tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22960950230935916972024-03-14T00:12:44.570-07:00Spirit and FleshBringing the psychological, the personal and the political to bear on issues of human relationships, sexuality and spirituality.Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-18474267986776169562012-05-08T18:38:00.004-07:002012-05-08T18:38:54.569-07:00<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:TargetScreenSize>544x376</o:TargetScreenSize>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="276">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Crushed Graham & Amendment One</span></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK2qb5Nu4HY7lFOeBY8v4Pubybq7ZwO_z8PHqcUMdeKtw2ZIIehkicsrDRUtheVBoWUPwBtreEn0OHsB3j4UhjiSQnPS42_aE91xPKkFwHW3VwMOylbiyeO0l1cJXqvcnucNEt-Xy4vNs/s1600/photo+(3).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK2qb5Nu4HY7lFOeBY8v4Pubybq7ZwO_z8PHqcUMdeKtw2ZIIehkicsrDRUtheVBoWUPwBtreEn0OHsB3j4UhjiSQnPS42_aE91xPKkFwHW3VwMOylbiyeO0l1cJXqvcnucNEt-Xy4vNs/s320/photo+(3).JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Let me
clear, Billy Graham and I would almost never agree. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Rev.
Graham is an right wing evangelical Christian and I am a Buddhist/ Christian
skeptic needs science and reason to be at the center of my spirituality. I am a
gay man who believes the LGBT people must have the same rights as all people
before the law. Rev. Graham's relationship with US presidents, especially
Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon made me very uncomfortable, bringing giving the
right wing more access to the president then I like to see.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglDmfAYb3qcKIDjvqX4lVHTtN26JSzQYFW3LufVQBlLV-GKFnCXC6YBO1TOkC-rsbAwhXHOeo6pXmRwPYnnEY6NgUcPm9wXwlqdi_r8jCkeshoQ3nNoOPr6KSdryLsfSH4zRSMbQNaSes/s1600/photo+(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglDmfAYb3qcKIDjvqX4lVHTtN26JSzQYFW3LufVQBlLV-GKFnCXC6YBO1TOkC-rsbAwhXHOeo6pXmRwPYnnEY6NgUcPm9wXwlqdi_r8jCkeshoQ3nNoOPr6KSdryLsfSH4zRSMbQNaSes/s1600/photo+(2).JPG" /></a></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
At the
same time, I always found Billy Graham someone I could imagine talking across
differences. He was never as hateful or divisive as Jerry Falwell or Pat
Robertson, though his son and heir Franklin Graham talks MUCH more like those
other two figures. For decades, Billy Graham has appealed to a broad spectrum
of Americans with some positive things to say about being a good person and
preaching a Christianity of service to others and trying to make the world a
better place. He has been a person I had respect for until now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I am very
very disheartened at his vocal support of the anti-equal marriage Amendment One
in North Carolina that is being voted on today. If you want to know about this
evil law, the internet is fully of information. Basically, this law is designed
to stop same sex couples from ever getting all of the rights and privileges
that straight married people get. It would even ban domestic partnership/civil
unions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The idea
that Rev. Graham would be against same sex marriage on the grounds of his faith
is no surprise. While I know countless Christian theologians who would disagree
with Rev. Graham's stand, he has a right to it. I think Billy Grahams has every
right to preach against gay marriage, he has every right to not allow ministers
in his faith to perform same sex blessings. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
The
problem is we are talking about civil law. The founders of this country were
mainly deists, who believed that a
creator God brought the world into being then left it alone. They were very
distrustful of organized religion being involved in politics and developed our
government and laws to be separate and secular, to keep religious concerns at a
distance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXMpX4yKx36IrDjESui1E6uicnJKfqfMzmP1yGEyXTqmsYHH0OA-pxcJYDXZjyKpYNdfGHrQjW-0N8r71HNmY72fM4x4bXh3hndd5Rkln0s0h3Brbv1m44ltqBzfMs4I25DlMa5mmUCds/s1600/church+state.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="116" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXMpX4yKx36IrDjESui1E6uicnJKfqfMzmP1yGEyXTqmsYHH0OA-pxcJYDXZjyKpYNdfGHrQjW-0N8r71HNmY72fM4x4bXh3hndd5Rkln0s0h3Brbv1m44ltqBzfMs4I25DlMa5mmUCds/s320/church+state.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
As
strongly as I support same sex couples having the same rights and privileges
before the law as heterosexual couples, I equally support the right of
churches, synagogues, mosques, etc. to say what they want about human sexuality
(even if, on spiritual grounds I personally believe they are dead wrong) and to
refuse to marry same sex couples.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
Rev.
Graham is violating that most treasured American value of keeping religious
concerns out of government. A secular government has to treat all people with
respect and dignity and has support some things (like racist clan marches,
anti-choice protests, the refusal to ordain female clergy) that are against many of our values. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
I used to
respect Billy Graham as a reasonably intelligent man I disagreed with, but for whom who I had some respect. Now that respect for Billy Graham and his legacy is crushed. I now think of
him as bigot who doesn't respect the fundamental separation of church and state
and is so blinded by hatred for LGBT people that he won't allow the state to
give us full and equal rights. If Billy really "loved the sinner and hated
the sin" he would stay out of the legal process and preach against gay
marriage in his churches and to his followers. Trying to stop the secular legal
rights of a group of Americans is shameful. If I as an American must support
the right of the KKK to exist, to parade, to write hateful anti-racist tomes, then
Billy Graham can let the state give me and mine equal rights before the law and
still preach and teach against who I am. <span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: #0400; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8s77dvXQWEul3U3mJQ1Bjt9E_NTWyu_5HZ-n_6ud1R94ikwE3dVj2hxLrhHqbwvGEF0GpeaCqylYurb0CX_jV2JYCIP3VNYhT7uCikEUsyzQC4on37dugDWYcbYeoPlGWVXUnyLzcw9M/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8s77dvXQWEul3U3mJQ1Bjt9E_NTWyu_5HZ-n_6ud1R94ikwE3dVj2hxLrhHqbwvGEF0GpeaCqylYurb0CX_jV2JYCIP3VNYhT7uCikEUsyzQC4on37dugDWYcbYeoPlGWVXUnyLzcw9M/s320/photo.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-55280906336601134482012-02-08T17:37:00.000-08:002012-02-08T17:37:00.891-08:00Occupy Narcissism!At this moment in history, there many people looking at the economic issues impacting the US and the world. Many scholars and activists are seeing that the economic systems we live under are unjust, and destruction or reform. The “haves” have more than ever and the “have-nots” have less ever. Wall Street, big corporations, big government, etc. have let the 99% down and made the 1% richer. In this country, people are jobless, broke and their houses have negative value.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO7q94irLupKds5XEXrXCJUwHzqeYgIfTtRTmKH6kPZOXuuB9G6UfDTyT8c0Aqfw3UTDDyY5BsvyhVXQpI2JJo6sxsQA_GGjm9N6MDrywhwTuspMn-tZh7MsFixP-RGwwuPCvomRTNSGo/s1600/111004103034-rushkoff-occupy-wall-street-story-top.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO7q94irLupKds5XEXrXCJUwHzqeYgIfTtRTmKH6kPZOXuuB9G6UfDTyT8c0Aqfw3UTDDyY5BsvyhVXQpI2JJo6sxsQA_GGjm9N6MDrywhwTuspMn-tZh7MsFixP-RGwwuPCvomRTNSGo/s320/111004103034-rushkoff-occupy-wall-street-story-top.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
In this crisis, when we want immediate solutions and a rapid an end to our severe anxiety, the narcissist leader or savior has taken a pivotal role.<br />
<br />
What is narcissism? That is a complex question. In psychoanalytic thinking, narcissism is a fact of human existence. Narcissism is on spectrum from healthy self-love to a pathological condition where people’s relationships with<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> themselves and others are rooted in egoism, conceit, vanity or plain old selfishness.</span><br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
We are all narcissistic to one degree or another. Healthy narcissism is the origin of self esteem and the source of confidence that allows us to achieve our goals. At the level of pathology, narcissism leads to selfishness, greed, and grasping for power. <br />
<br />
<o:p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST86JM1RPl0">Everybody Wants to Rule the World Video</a></o:p><br />
<br />
As we look at the economic situation in the US and globally, much has been written about the unjust economic systems, but we often ignore the psychology of these systems and those who drive these systems. We ignore these important factors at our own peril.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
I want to reflect on two important psychology factors in power structures of these economic and corporate systems. The first involves people with pathological levels of narcissism who are in power and the second about the psychology those of us who put them in power.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
To the first point, is it no surprise that some of the most powerful people in the history of the world have had very high levels of narcissism. When we think empire building and genocide names like Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Nicolae Ceaușescu<b>, </b></span>Kim Jong-il, surface and their narcissism is very apparent. If you read books about such successful business leaders at Donald Trump, Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg, the narcissist issues don’t require and explicit explanation, the concepts seem jump off the page.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_xRrqP71lx9hIvptlQjjrW1a20j6A_V3Zc3tjifpdbgTCRB1yHMCgVSQAno40auRa2PjfMZce03cZMootnLTn57aT9VICuYL_1udIRdrbE8JD5VF6wHxXyOIOaohh1XYMvXXPlszgzWU/s1600/kim-jong-il-insane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_xRrqP71lx9hIvptlQjjrW1a20j6A_V3Zc3tjifpdbgTCRB1yHMCgVSQAno40auRa2PjfMZce03cZMootnLTn57aT9VICuYL_1udIRdrbE8JD5VF6wHxXyOIOaohh1XYMvXXPlszgzWU/s320/kim-jong-il-insane.jpg" width="319" /></a></div><br />
When an intelligent, well spoken person is also a narcissist, they desire power and have the talents to achieve it. Narcissists can inspire people. They are charismatic. The problem is, for people with pathological levels of narcissism the good of others or an organization as whole is secondary, if it is even a priority at all. The pathologic narcissist uses the ideals of helping others and moving an organization forward as means to gather personal power. Yet, in a crisis situation, they are seen by others (and most certainly by themselves) as courageous and <span class="st1"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">possessing</span></span> strength to act. These are people who can cut budgets, jobs, and programs far more easily than others. Their self-focus means that the effect their decisions have on others or on the long term picture don't concern them as much as it might people with healthy levels of narcissism. They may be strong leaders, but they are very poor team builders. They are top down people who rarely listen to others and only value those who affirm them. This is because inside these are people who are frightened and insecure. They need constant affirmation and do not see dialogue or challenges are constructive, they see them as threats. Narcissistic leaders don’t work with or learn from those that might disagree with them, they eliminate them.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
The second psychological factor is the motivation behind those who bring narcissists to power. In times of crisis, like the economic crisis we are all currently in, we want quick, comfortable solutions. At a very deep level, we want someone to take power and "fix" things right away. We want a stern powerful mommy or daddy to take control. We want our anxieties to go away, even if it means we will be punished. In a severe crisis, like the one we are in now, at some point, we want the anxieties to go away more that we want to look at long and hard at difficult issues. In our weakness and insecurity, the narcissistic leader attracts us. We can hand them power and believe that s/he can be our savior. As long as we accept and empower her/him, we are off the hook. We no longer have to be anxious and have the added bonus of not having to act. Our belief, our faith in the leader is enough, we have little to do, we empower them do the dirty work, and we stop caring how they do it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLwvu5PD1aXcxObTOzDrinwDZA3J1kCo3AIGDUywxZmGZKjoZHr5fXe1b4ebDRHZmtZSY18Tncixtvmr3eZbNbcpvT7NZQECBN-LBk_9WQbLJlqxNDmTxwouz1Oq785sNyNQAbHre15Eo/s1600/abusive+mother.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLwvu5PD1aXcxObTOzDrinwDZA3J1kCo3AIGDUywxZmGZKjoZHr5fXe1b4ebDRHZmtZSY18Tncixtvmr3eZbNbcpvT7NZQECBN-LBk_9WQbLJlqxNDmTxwouz1Oq785sNyNQAbHre15Eo/s320/abusive+mother.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
This second factor is perhaps the most dangerous to our souls. In the extreme, we give up our power, and release our connections to our problems out of fear and anxiety. Charming, power-hungry narcissists have always existed, but they do not always become powerful leaders in organizations and societies. Our own primitive fears and insecurities lead us to invest in the wrong people in times of crisis.<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
We have to learn to deal with our fears and with our big and complex problems in realistic ways. Fast painful solutions seldom work in the long term. The narcissistic leaders we have put in power, be s/he the CEO of an organization or the dictator of a country, can make us feel better, yet all the while taking power for themselves and destroying soul of the organizations/countries they were empowered to save. All of these organizations who have hired these pit bulls to "save them" may or may not survive, but very often end up becoming organizations far different than they ever intended. How many alternative voices were silenced by the narcissistic leader in her/his rise to power? How much do people who remain in such organizations feel hopeless, silenced, and disempowered? How many programs have been eliminated so that the organization no longer lives up to its purpose, goals or mission?<br />
<o:p> </o:p><br />
During the 2008 election, Michelle Obama as heavily criticized for statements she made<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>implying that under the presidency of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>George W. Bush it was hard to be proud to be an American. To me, the future first lady was reflecting the sentiments of many in this country who realized we had elected a narcissistic leader in W who greatly damaged this country because his own narcisstic issues. The same can be said of dictators around the world, capitalist, communist, etc. The economic systems of the world are in flux. We are entering a time when we realize that extreme forms of capitalism and communism have failed. We are entering a time when cheap petroleum-based energy sources can no longer give us the illusion of cheap endless energy. We are scared and panicked. One of the questions we have to ask ourselves is do we have the courage, maturity and strength to elect leaders who will have long term visions and solutions that won't fix things right away? Will we have courage make democracy and dialogue, which can be clunky, time consuming and just plain difficult, essential ingredients of our future leaders and power structures? Will continue to choose to empower pathological narcissists to be our leaders? Will we grow beyond the need to create leaders who will temporarily sooth our anxieties and bring us brief comfort all the while destroying our souls, taking our power, alienating us from one another and killing the heart of the good we want our companies, organizations and governments to do?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOGEy9hvYJBWp2mgZitABIF5C3BpOOus2tKdUkf-4MldsLPnIurZSKGaHK8eMvwK2NSUyegMtmn-4ClvA20NcQTav499K8qe0CMR5wmO3E9XT9eEqqhSzcIvrgJIf4dv1wI0Q69uNmTUA/s1600/michelle-obama-picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOGEy9hvYJBWp2mgZitABIF5C3BpOOus2tKdUkf-4MldsLPnIurZSKGaHK8eMvwK2NSUyegMtmn-4ClvA20NcQTav499K8qe0CMR5wmO3E9XT9eEqqhSzcIvrgJIf4dv1wI0Q69uNmTUA/s320/michelle-obama-picture.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Let's keep protesting, keep occupying, keep trying to change or destroy broken institutions, but let's also look at our own fears and anxieties. Let's listen to each other and look at who we invest with our trust and our power. Let’s occupy narcissism and take its power away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE;"><o:p></o:p></span>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-76079933815298650392012-01-29T22:50:00.000-08:002012-01-29T22:50:32.852-08:00The enemy may be closer than you think...Think outside the group<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">The enemy may be closer than you think….<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAgPuSla_NcfQqqQQ3kEWzo5yxtC9GcmFdpjHCZGyIoacn8mFdB30SoXdsGKrFCSsLFoAsBtnHQlww6KzaQRembtDLPhx4hrk-50b3dHLU4ChfK7Jnp3CvXVUN3UUHQrlgBvPpNBkK-34/s1600/masquerade-trifaccia-dipinta-mask.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAgPuSla_NcfQqqQQ3kEWzo5yxtC9GcmFdpjHCZGyIoacn8mFdB30SoXdsGKrFCSsLFoAsBtnHQlww6KzaQRembtDLPhx4hrk-50b3dHLU4ChfK7Jnp3CvXVUN3UUHQrlgBvPpNBkK-34/s1600/masquerade-trifaccia-dipinta-mask.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Human are social animals. We constantly organizing into different groups, it is part of our innate nature. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5TpFoCy3_Pi1hkBWeshPVTovFMnKsolk4SNMJkUysGanNbb7_dwoRifxXBouJCOoJiO33zhkXF3xSSuJR2ybI_xuzzU8019S5eE6PJVK-ClCjRxYck-SICk_91tIVDavhfSjfOpoZpyM/s1600/stiletto-race-490x326.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5TpFoCy3_Pi1hkBWeshPVTovFMnKsolk4SNMJkUysGanNbb7_dwoRifxXBouJCOoJiO33zhkXF3xSSuJR2ybI_xuzzU8019S5eE6PJVK-ClCjRxYck-SICk_91tIVDavhfSjfOpoZpyM/s320/stiletto-race-490x326.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">The idea of identity politics has helped groups like African-Americans, woman and LGBT people work together for civil rights for their group as a whole. We now live in a world where the internet has created almost infinite opportunities for people to connect. One of the ways this has changed our culture is that many people can now find others “like” themselves far more easily. We also can be far more specific about what our “likes” are. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can now find others like us, in some may meaningful to us, from all around the world in the blink of an eye. If you knit, if you are vegan, if you ethnically half Irish/half Japanese or if you are a half Irish/half Japanese vegan knitter you can find others like you and be in regular touch with them. It can be an amazing source of support; you can now easily can reach out to people who can give you support and help you as you wrestle with your own sense of identity.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxeMOTqYAE76UX68p-_qXb8klKORy0GR948YZHT9B8rVGOHZbZXfouXo2j3pL0jKDevFUn2QoiyJyKeZrFg4oHTvn_WsKo9PYlQy0Lz6-mcvBMgdJVbRYJWjAY0I198JoD6PTNaNKy338/s1600/civilrightsmarchers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxeMOTqYAE76UX68p-_qXb8klKORy0GR948YZHT9B8rVGOHZbZXfouXo2j3pL0jKDevFUn2QoiyJyKeZrFg4oHTvn_WsKo9PYlQy0Lz6-mcvBMgdJVbRYJWjAY0I198JoD6PTNaNKy338/s320/civilrightsmarchers.jpg" width="295" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrLgxvAVenqHIrcli6St71ufzxRnl1PGsbwUlwZW3IuHWj43vGAwXYpS4wfP6lUZoGkTKkH5IT3SxRkW6GXlq6xgjKtc0k1MkvivbDZAKznGKq8qVjL2lYZP-PmCkVMxpccqkRx6_Bsk4/s1600/Internet-Business1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrLgxvAVenqHIrcli6St71ufzxRnl1PGsbwUlwZW3IuHWj43vGAwXYpS4wfP6lUZoGkTKkH5IT3SxRkW6GXlq6xgjKtc0k1MkvivbDZAKznGKq8qVjL2lYZP-PmCkVMxpccqkRx6_Bsk4/s320/Internet-Business1.jpg" width="227" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">While this can be amazingly positive, it can also lull us into a false sense of trust, safety and security. As we form relationships in these kinds of groups we often assume that we have more in common with the people in these groups than we actually so. As I gay man, it can be wonderful, at times, to be with other LGBT people. I remember initially how amazing and affirming it felt to join gay groups, march in gay pride, etc., especially as I was first coming out. However, over time, I have come to realize that being queer not enough for me to decide to bring someone into my life in a meaningful way. Because I meet another gay person that doesn’t mean s/he is trustworthy, honest or would make a good friend or a good leader. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am fairly certain that woman, black people, Episcopalians and vegans have all probably learned the same lesson.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">The older I get more I realize that my membership in these kinds of groups, LGBT, religious, social, etc can be wonderful and affirming, but are not without risks. Meeting others with whom I have some one thing or set of things in common doesn’t at all mean I have anything else in common with them. One fact about someone says nothing about them beyond that specific issue. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Taking this point even a little further, that false sense of security might lead me to believe that others in my “group” are good and honorable people. I can put my trust in someone in my group; I can feel comfortable giving my power over to that person, and trusting that s/he can be a leader for me. On the other side, it can also lead those hungry for power to use their membership in an affinity group manipulate fellow group members, abuse power and bring advantage to themselves at the expense of others in their group.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">How often do we think that the person know from church must be a good person because they attend the same church we do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we think that someone in our own racial or ethnic group is a better person because they share an ethnic heritage with us? How many women might choose a woman lawyer and thinking she might be a better lawyer because she is a woman?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gay men like Roy Kohn and J. Edgar Hoover greedily gathered power and were major players in the ruthless persecution of other gay people. <span class="st1"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Phyllis Schlafly is a woman who spent a large part of her adult life working against feminist causes. African-American<b> </b></span></span></span>U.S. Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas has ruled or argued against issues civil rights issues involving Black Americans over and over again. <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Your greatest enemy may someone who in some ways seems like your brother or a sister.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgadLqWVir66bnCnQ_TLECG-hItscMvnxM8koBTN2Y52rCmEZlk4pWygUtH12etvZjOKifkui4Bpqz1L42qkT5UX4mRMONUISuuWzMwiVxKvSMtBdarcK6wOiMNSvdjUojWoSamzET6Euk/s1600/clarence-thomas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgadLqWVir66bnCnQ_TLECG-hItscMvnxM8koBTN2Y52rCmEZlk4pWygUtH12etvZjOKifkui4Bpqz1L42qkT5UX4mRMONUISuuWzMwiVxKvSMtBdarcK6wOiMNSvdjUojWoSamzET6Euk/s1600/clarence-thomas.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">While I think the idea of affinity groups and identity politics have a place in our lives there are important cautions and real dangers. It is important watch ourselves in groups; to we make sure that our expectations of the types of relationships we form within our affinity groups are based in reality, not some fantasy of what SHOULD be true. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have to be careful not turn too much power over to our fellow group members. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People who seek power and control come in all shapes and sizes. Your worse enemy may look like you, like the same things you like , may even have many of the same views as you and yet still may be using you and taking advantage of you. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU1YAwJJ5f03n1ItFeKgtFYcUTLxEzr5d0bgrkd_KBeMfcPR3mxOnp8JaFvKQ-jXv1cgL8rxD9HLPhjqRTX6VsD9hViwTPIYqRW_xhCq35Hd9Vdsx6qf5SGlUIC54k4vQt4Obj2KJXqZc/s1600/triplets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU1YAwJJ5f03n1ItFeKgtFYcUTLxEzr5d0bgrkd_KBeMfcPR3mxOnp8JaFvKQ-jXv1cgL8rxD9HLPhjqRTX6VsD9hViwTPIYqRW_xhCq35Hd9Vdsx6qf5SGlUIC54k4vQt4Obj2KJXqZc/s320/triplets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Your greatest friends or allies people may be people very different from you. There amazing white anti-racists, loyal straight people hard working for LGBT justice causes and committed justice-seeking men who are ardent feminists. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji0eGwQkyIhM7hscOYTCNoJutj1CCiU9oxliqymOLHTmteMekQOOy6qTkiMa3S_f8z4fPDjQ2AR5dzkyKwkY__vOZytarpORnGsQhg7vex4wIX3jd9hy5GuHm9VIK4bYKEQpvpnV0nSdo/s1600/tutudalai.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji0eGwQkyIhM7hscOYTCNoJutj1CCiU9oxliqymOLHTmteMekQOOy6qTkiMa3S_f8z4fPDjQ2AR5dzkyKwkY__vOZytarpORnGsQhg7vex4wIX3jd9hy5GuHm9VIK4bYKEQpvpnV0nSdo/s320/tutudalai.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Think outside the group…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyDvCBJeKk2Czfqdybi7E0ywQk1zNpZtEv-bcGJGgCt2jQywilCrjDdJNjitiIIVIlNCHBzK12nLpsymnaBgEF-B3-e1ihjNmr-bgUecp0wVPendNPF00TxfYjhuGF9f48dCAX9AUsidA/s1600/tall_poppy_syndrome.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyDvCBJeKk2Czfqdybi7E0ywQk1zNpZtEv-bcGJGgCt2jQywilCrjDdJNjitiIIVIlNCHBzK12nLpsymnaBgEF-B3-e1ihjNmr-bgUecp0wVPendNPF00TxfYjhuGF9f48dCAX9AUsidA/s320/tall_poppy_syndrome.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-37948971834506427882011-11-20T20:46:00.000-08:002011-11-20T20:56:17.622-08:00Of priests, football and idolsThe <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Penn</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">State</st1:placetype></st1:place> child sexual abuse scandal is all over the news. Once again a pillar of the community, a person in power in a beloved American institution, abused his authority to violate children. Once again the people in that institution not only did not have any safeguards to protect children, but the structure of this institution (college football) developed in ways that protected the abusers. Equally, or perhaps more disturbingly, the cult of American college football bought vocally strong support from fans for those who knew about the abuse of children and never did anything about it. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOoVmMQYc2Yzd1MStMz-k4VBeUWvWNKrOLiuufJMsak41E_c9kdbfOsDnt4aNEjzki2VvUqxpiiBTKVZQr9wQwBD9DozSV5mL8f7-SKVVjBVhNCChXy8J3qTfIiNiO-N0kE7JzmcKLO6g/s1600/joe+paterno+and+jerry+sandusky.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOoVmMQYc2Yzd1MStMz-k4VBeUWvWNKrOLiuufJMsak41E_c9kdbfOsDnt4aNEjzki2VvUqxpiiBTKVZQr9wQwBD9DozSV5mL8f7-SKVVjBVhNCChXy8J3qTfIiNiO-N0kE7JzmcKLO6g/s320/joe+paterno+and+jerry+sandusky.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Does any of this sound familiar? Am I talking about football or the church? </div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">YES!</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCi1LDZ9U1FcpMk0BDoJ2rjsRVh6qeWAzZZWWmbDQANTaKR-041jZeFwoAj3v6sTMXfPNR_6rbD0aLLEbvnfICOKbFLuDpOZbTzE3dosLTYiRkP4zXdZj162OW4hdODFYhTxuQQtgqRvY/s1600/priest_abuse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCi1LDZ9U1FcpMk0BDoJ2rjsRVh6qeWAzZZWWmbDQANTaKR-041jZeFwoAj3v6sTMXfPNR_6rbD0aLLEbvnfICOKbFLuDpOZbTzE3dosLTYiRkP4zXdZj162OW4hdODFYhTxuQQtgqRvY/s320/priest_abuse.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">For me, someone from <st1:city w:st="on">Fall River</st1:city> <st1:state w:st="on">MA</st1:state>, one of the first places in the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">US</st1:country-region></st1:place> to break the story of the widespread sexual abuse of children by Roman Catholic priests, this story is all too familiar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the middle of that scandal one of the parish priests I grew up with was arrested and sentenced on charges of child pornography. Also as that scandal grew, the hierarchy of the church, and many faithful Catholics, believed that the abuse could be explained by looking at the horrible actions a few pedophiles, but not in looking in the ways the church itself operated as structured. It is the structure for the institution itself that allowed pedophiles to function and flourish. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Now the news is full of sensational details and questions about whether or not graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported the abuse to the police and why once head coach Joe Paterno was informed of the abuse he didn’t make sure child molester Jerry Sandusky wasn’t fired and arrested.<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"> <st1:placename w:st="on">Penn</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">State</st1:placetype> fired Paterno and <st1:placename w:st="on">Penn</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">State</st1:placetype> president Graham Spanier on Nov. 9, four days after <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Sandusky</st1:place></st1:city> was arrested. Athletic director Tim Curley and a vice president, Gary Schultz, are accused of perjury and failing to report suspected child abuse. Both have stepped down from their posts. In midst of this, <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Penn</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">State</st1:placetype></st1:place> fans are rallying around Joe Paterno and the institution and see that the only fault is in the abusers, not the system.</span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">That questions of who knew about the abuse and who failed report it are very important, but they are also a tantalizing distraction from looking at the ways this kind of thing can happen and can be prevented. It is clear, in the “wink, wink, nod, nod” culture of college football numerous people knew of or even witnessed Jerry <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Sandusky’s violation of young boys. Some people told some other people, but nobody pushed hard enough to report this to authorities and be sure it was followed through on. Many people found many ways to ignore or minimize what was happening. As a result, not surprisingly, as the years passed, more and more children were violated.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Is it a coincidence that both college football and the Roman Catholic church are beloved powerful hierarchical organizations where white men have all the power and authority?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We as a society still have a tendency to create individuals and institutions that become idols which we shower with adoration and hand over inordinate amounts of power. In today’s world the idolatry for us is not a golden calf in desert, but continues in the people and institutions help foster. We create people who we set apart and set above the rest of us. While those who abuse that power have individual responsibility when they abuse that power, we as a society have to look at the ways we create idols that are above accountability. We give people power and don’t look at how power has to be shared and kept in check in ongoing ways.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZj0Dwin8r4dZYbwcFxb_QoPAMs7kiftjE1jWo-zpL5JHRt7D5SVMtZUE-htj_IfDFRCRhY3z1vtec81wKtaLDs1tnOUS7lrhckjBKOjbcPbQrQPVS1udKCucRa_wv3s7ICNWPB_qcEMY/s1600/Golden-Calf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZj0Dwin8r4dZYbwcFxb_QoPAMs7kiftjE1jWo-zpL5JHRt7D5SVMtZUE-htj_IfDFRCRhY3z1vtec81wKtaLDs1tnOUS7lrhckjBKOjbcPbQrQPVS1udKCucRa_wv3s7ICNWPB_qcEMY/s320/Golden-Calf.jpg" width="299" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Yes, the abuser must be punished. Yes those who didn’t report this must be held accountable, but if we are really interested in stopping this from happening again we must be wiling to look at the iconic hierarchical institutions we create.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">What are things to look for?<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Look for institutions where the relationship between those at the top with the most power and the bottom with the least power most are extreme.</span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><br />
</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">In the Catholic Church, the chasm between the laity and the people is enormous. There can be no “mass” without a priest. Individual churches have no say in what priests lead their congregations, they cannot dismiss a priest nor do they have any authority to hold their priest accountable for anything. Priests are closer to God; they have the power to act as the go-between for God and the people. Women cannot hold any position of ordained ecclesiastic power.</span></li>
</ul></ul><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">In college football, the overwhelmingly white male owners, then coaches, have lots of power and money. Under them are student assistants, like Mike McQueary, then players. These players are often young economically disadvantaged students on athletic scholarships, at schools where their academic backgrounds are far below the students they are in class with and who are many of the fans of their games. While children aren’t necessary a part of this hierarchy, the power and money are structured such that those at top have so much power and control they are able away to get away with many things no one could. They are above scrutiny.</span></li>
</ul></ul><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="circle"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">In the business world at a big corporations, is the janitor making minimum wage with no benefits while CEO and CFO make 30 million dollars?<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul></ul><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Look for rigidity of power. Is power something shared, invested in different people at different times, or does it always stick to one person or one tiny group of people for long periods of time? Are roles rigid in the institution? People have different functions, different responsibilities in organizations; are those functions rigid or can people move between them? For example, could the laity at a congregation have a say about type of liturgy/worship they do or would that be seen as overstepping their boundaries?<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Are there groups of people excluded from power, like women, people of color, LGBT people, etc? Are there many ‘kinds” of people holding power at different time, or does the same “kind” of people always seem to hold most of power?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Is there accountability? Are there set mechanisms that monitor power? What say to the people in an institution about power? Are people afraid to speak up? </span></li>
</ul><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Let’s prosecute the predator that is </span>Jerry <span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">Sandusky and make sure he is punished and never has ANY access to children ever again (or ever sees the light of day again as far as I am concerned!) Let’s look at all those, like </span>Mike McQueary and Joe Paterno, who didn’t make sure that abuse of children they knew about was fully exposed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The guilt of those who allow violation of children to continue must called to account. However, if we as a society are REALLY interested in stopping the abuse of the most vulnerable, the least powerful in our world, we have to look squarely and honestly at the people and institutions we help create and maintain. We have to be sure we don’t commit the sin of idolatry. We have to be sure that don’t create people and institutions that are so powerful, that have so much control over others and so little accountable to anyone, that they are get away with horrible abuse.<span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-23121445895296034362010-11-28T19:44:00.000-08:002010-11-28T19:53:19.434-08:00Cruised by God<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It has been awhile since I wrote in this blog, I have decided to come back slowly, committing only to a couple of entries a week. TO get me start, I am going to publish some poems of mine, here is my all time favorite:</div><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><b><u><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Cruised by God on Route 3 by Chris Medeiros (<date day="31" month="5" w:st="on" year="2004">May 31, 2004</date>)</span></span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Driving down the highway, the sky is clear and open, the roadway is filled with tired travelers heading home.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">My monkey mind darts from place to place,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Is there money in the checking account?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Will I ever find love?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Do have enough gas?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Am I too fat? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">A shiny silver pick-up drives by me. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHaJrWzB0e6ukic1BhNHE0OcNBa_hQo8eFAGDeIfM4H4VtFqqUpMcg3GpVgVwwMk1CDmc5W8t4keEFT54a_jPYG-r_qCgqLb2MAf0SoaD7IhaU_mxRssmcAKSFvSXYd1es9_ZAEHsuNQ/s1600/fas_cap_silver_black_closed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHaJrWzB0e6ukic1BhNHE0OcNBa_hQo8eFAGDeIfM4H4VtFqqUpMcg3GpVgVwwMk1CDmc5W8t4keEFT54a_jPYG-r_qCgqLb2MAf0SoaD7IhaU_mxRssmcAKSFvSXYd1es9_ZAEHsuNQ/s320/fas_cap_silver_black_closed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">The driver’s face is clear and chiseled, his strong arms and broad shoulders thickly outlined by his deep green tank top.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">For the smallest moment, his mouth, his shining blue eyes, his deep dimples, look at me and sparkle,</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqydte5-IR2t_9QEPCuMVJMK6xxTspSxAverTW9NvWMPdIlDRwKR4E_9vQyK9slrAnu2AfxNwUm5jAGujDiS0lI4Z67O-T9VjbY-93rgC0t2zZ0vgJtbIOqGA4kW5Zyc2l5XZlCN6fvRk/s1600/green+tank.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqydte5-IR2t_9QEPCuMVJMK6xxTspSxAverTW9NvWMPdIlDRwKR4E_9vQyK9slrAnu2AfxNwUm5jAGujDiS0lI4Z67O-T9VjbY-93rgC0t2zZ0vgJtbIOqGA4kW5Zyc2l5XZlCN6fvRk/s320/green+tank.jpg" width="213" /></a></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He drives on.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">My face grows hot, my skin flushes.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Electric Goosebumps rise on my flesh.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">My groin tingles.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">I smile.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">In the blink I feel handsome, sexy,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">My mind stops.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">My body feels</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7EUmS_BowWNlrGJmS1RcB0Y9jTgxCIgsUHcP5xKU6KvBWNGd0OiUq6-R0M9xZWdiXbMoi7QlE7Wshb4cM_AWJmXfHgsZ4SI3At3eBGWRTD1cBTF4kNNUDD0_reZfPy62AiM9PTbGT7xw/s1600/SmilingJesus.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7EUmS_BowWNlrGJmS1RcB0Y9jTgxCIgsUHcP5xKU6KvBWNGd0OiUq6-R0M9xZWdiXbMoi7QlE7Wshb4cM_AWJmXfHgsZ4SI3At3eBGWRTD1cBTF4kNNUDD0_reZfPy62AiM9PTbGT7xw/s1600/SmilingJesus.JPG" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Someone sees me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">I remember, it was you again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">Another of your thousands faces I too often forget to notice. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">You have returned to show me that you and your creation are beautiful.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">You remind that my flesh is good, my body is holy.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;">I too often forget that I am made in your image, my body reflection of your joy. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A radiant beauty beyond compare.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-34622115730667978642010-09-20T20:54:00.000-07:002010-09-20T21:12:39.739-07:00The Life and Death of One Good Man<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">This past weekend I gathered with some of my dearest friends I have to attend the Tunbridge fair and the small town of <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Tunbridge</city> <state w:st="on">VT.</state></place> I started going five years ago, though many of my friends had been going for years.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Four years ago it was an especially important fair, though at the time, none of us knew it. It was the last time a very dear friend to us, Rob, would be with his friends. I was so blessed that after losing touch with him for sometime I really got to spend some quality time with him that weekend, it was amazingly special to me at the time, then hearing that he died just a few hours after I had been with made it all the more tragic…and magical.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">For months after his death I listened to this song several times a day.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><u><strong>When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton</strong></u></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Hh9JoHbZ1R2pc5GD-Jv8J3ovDyo3nfWOGqBzI7mwWk69C2KYyzK-8Q_ePBx7icKC87AEHghdaGYeUyjy8U3guKuMyuYu6fwX_U2rHXZq87rfYRqTp2GHNNt_wYYU0h4Jlmw9kuvpuYY/s1600/paisley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Hh9JoHbZ1R2pc5GD-Jv8J3ovDyo3nfWOGqBzI7mwWk69C2KYyzK-8Q_ePBx7icKC87AEHghdaGYeUyjy8U3guKuMyuYu6fwX_U2rHXZq87rfYRqTp2GHNNt_wYYU0h4Jlmw9kuvpuYY/s320/paisley.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLLBmuRdaJYZwHU4ZJKLxOm5_xJ8wKTUQitZsrhvdWsntvcwA3Ucc_8kNtILEPrzFkHN0t9qJmbgVgFNS4ZGn1ip9rbo22rNhBJQOWmAFozJj3LgUFv6FrTpMciHy1QRSfFmWbSQqzbW4/s1600/Dolly%2520Parton-thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLLBmuRdaJYZwHU4ZJKLxOm5_xJ8wKTUQitZsrhvdWsntvcwA3Ucc_8kNtILEPrzFkHN0t9qJmbgVgFNS4ZGn1ip9rbo22rNhBJQOWmAFozJj3LgUFv6FrTpMciHy1QRSfFmWbSQqzbW4/s320/Dolly%2520Parton-thumb.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Video: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHT-TF4KO4&feature=related">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYHT-TF4KO4&feature=related</a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">Lyrics: <a href="http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/paisley-brad/when-i-get-where-im-going-16148.html">http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/paisley-brad/when-i-get-where-im-going-16148.html</a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Rob was a military man, an outdoorsman, a man devoted to his parents and sisters and brothers, a good friend, and a man of deep passion and love. He had a deep hearty laugh and a strong firm hug. His death was sudden and completely unexpected. It really impacted this small group of gay men in VT who loved him dearly.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXI36y0SViL3BmIMrfkqnTbYwbsm5qy69SY6d7sHEmarkbp79hoL8bANngfWH0nwZVbPBc8Nndp5aDYRGVmRvFauNZVN7pOmJMSxUyWuQaO1_N2NotgKK2Xnwe-bC52kzC-f82CLzLhB4/s1600/Robmosaic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXI36y0SViL3BmIMrfkqnTbYwbsm5qy69SY6d7sHEmarkbp79hoL8bANngfWH0nwZVbPBc8Nndp5aDYRGVmRvFauNZVN7pOmJMSxUyWuQaO1_N2NotgKK2Xnwe-bC52kzC-f82CLzLhB4/s320/Robmosaic.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Rob lived a full and rich life with close family and good friends, but, like many gay men of the boomer generation, couldn’t bring his worlds together and lived closeted deeply divided life. His life ended somewhat accidentally, but the closet killed him as surely as if someone had killed him with gun. I know it has forever made me think of all the closet doors that are closed so tightly, of the scores of men and women around the world barricaded behind high walls that are built with the bricks of depression, alcohol and drugs. If you want to read the whole story, see the book Injustice and the <u>Care of Souls: Taking Oppression Seriously in Pastoral Care</u> by Sheryl Kujawa-Holbrook and Karen Montagno, I wrote chapter 19 on pastoral care with gay men and I used pieces of the story of Rob’s life and death to talk about the many issues gay men face and about the issues pastors and counselors should take into account if they really want to help us.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Injustice-Care-Souls-Oppression-Seriously/dp/0800662350">http://www.amazon.com/Injustice-Care-Souls-Oppression-Seriously/dp/0800662350</a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Personally, his death is perhaps one of the single hardest things I have ever been through. I would say it took my most of a year to feel like myself again, though after the first few weeks were over I hid the depth of feelings I was experiencing from most of the people around me. Few of my friends or family heard me talk about Rob even though I had known him for many years before he died. Perhaps the closet he lived into blended into our relationship too. I know that closet door kept us like two ends of a rubber band, stretching far apart and snapping back together over and over again over many years.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I can’t completely explain why his death hit me so hard and frankly I don’t want to. Sometimes, when we try to explain everything, we rob the experience of its authenticity and power. When we reduce something down to an “explanation” rather feel the experience of it, something is lost. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have ever taken a seashell or a rock home from a beach you know what I mean. It is never as wonderful and beautiful as it was on the beach. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I know that his loss, the loss of this kind, good man, very fundamentally changed me and how I think and feel. His death happened right as I entered my 40’s, at a time when many of us begin to realize that we are around the mid point of our lives, the place where there are as many years behind us as head of us. Seeing him again after a long separation, only to lose him in a matter of hours was a hard reminder of how fragile hope, love and life is for us all.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I learned many lessons through the experience of knowing, loving and losing Rob, but rather than try to sum it up, I hope some of what I have posted here tells more of the story.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The End of Summer (for Rob) by Chris Medeiros</span></u></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The end of summer approaches.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The days grow shorter, the air cooler. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The bears know the long winter is coming, and they play in the September sun, relishing in the dwindling days of sunlight, celebrating the sheer joy of time with friends before the long winter’s sleep.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The leaves know too, they explode with their brightest and most beautiful faces before they brown and the fall away.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The September clouds grow and cover more and more of the once summer…now fall… indigo sky. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">We celebrated the last gasp of summer together, never imagining…. </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I knew about the shorter days, the cooler air, bright falling leaves, and the growing clouds, but I didn’t know the how much the fall wind would take…</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Winter is not yet here, yet there seems no warmth anywhere, </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The nights are cold,</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">In mourning, even the thickest wool blankets feel threadbare against my skin.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Winter will come and be colder without you.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">It is so hard to believe there can ever be spring…and yet….spring will come</span></i></div><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><br clear="all" style="mso-special-character: line-break; page-break-before: always;" /></span></i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 10pt;"></span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">As the calendar marches on and the winter clouds will thin and float away</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">When the spring sun melts the ice and warms the cold earth and I will remember how you could melt my blues and grays away with a look, a smile, a hug</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">When I feel the warm breeze will remember your open heart </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I will feel spring again</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I will remember you</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">I will smile </span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">But in my heart,</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">Even on the clearest spring day,</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 14pt;">The sky will never be as blue as your eyes.</span></i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: black;">From Rob’s Memorial at the home of Ivan and Mongo, South <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Royalton</city>, <state w:st="on">VT</state></place><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;"> October 1, 2006</span></span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">I first met Rob several years ago in <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Provincetown</city></place>. We had an instant rapport. I just couldn’t resist that easy smile and that natural charm. From the first words over fours ago in Ptown to the last goodbye in the living room of this house hours before he passed away, Rob was in my heart. For so many reasons, we fell in and out of touch over the the many years we knew one another. We often went for months, without seeing each then somehow magically, the universe would snap us back into each other’s lives again and again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">I feel blessed that on the last weekend of his life, we found other again and got to see all the wonderful changes in him as he came back home to <place w:st="on"><state w:st="on">Vermont</state></place>. Rob was home, happy and the most comfortable in his own skin I have seen. Neither of us realized how short that reunion would be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">I am so grateful to have had Rob in my life, he taught me so many things. Rob had a way of being so real and so down earth, in a way doesn't come easily to everyone. Rob reminded me that basic simple things, like good friends, good food, strongly laughter and sitting in the sun can be the most joyful things in the world. Rob took me camping for the first time I have ever been and I learned the bliss of listening to birds, walking in the woods, feeling the breeze and just being with someone you care about, doing nothing in particular.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">Rob had few expectations of people, yet gave to the people cared about with an open heart. Rob was not always a big talker, especially about his feelings, but he taught me that you can communicate more genuine love with smile, a hug and most importantly the way you live your life and any words can ever express.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">To say I loved Rob is not enough. Rob was “home” to me, as warm, loving, familiar and natural a part of my life as anyone has ever been to me. If we are very lucky in this life, we encounter a few people, perhaps a handful, who we love and trust instantly, whose souls we recognize as bonded to our own, people who enter our hearts as fully and naturally as blood flows through our veins. Rob was always that for me. Rob and I were lucky to have a home in our dear friend here Ivan as well.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">All of us are so lucky to have Rob in our lives in some many ways we did, our friend, our brother. There were many homes for Rob.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">The “home” Rob came from and maintained in relationship with his family. People as good and decent as Rob don’t just appear out of nowhere, they come from love. Anyone who knew Rob at all knew his deep love for his family. Perhaps his own personal demons kept him from sharing parts of his life with those he loved, but in no way did that ever altered the depth of his love and commitment to his family. From his family, Rob developed his hard working nature, integrity, strength of character and generosity. All of these things drew wonderful people around him all of his life.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">The other major home for Rob was his family of friends, especially those that gathered around this place. Ivan and Mongo, created this place of love and that is and has been home in some way to many of us. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of Rob’s friends helped him, through simple the act of friendship, to come to love and accept himself more and more. When will all lost that remarkable man, he had changed. He was miles from Rob I met in <place w:st="on"><city w:st="on">Provincetown</city></place>, who was always figuratively and literally looking over his shoulder. During his last few days on earth, Rob was laughing and celebrating with dear friends in this place, with people who he loved and who loved him very much. I hope that we all have the gift of our last days being so happy and filled with love. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black;">The other for Rob home the natural and beauty of the trees, the forest, the sky, the wind, the place Rob's soul always lived and always will and that is where I will always look for him.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-78487349174072571422010-09-12T21:45:00.000-07:002010-09-12T21:50:01.548-07:00Sybil, RuPaul and the magic closet we can all have<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkTTS5FrHrOAcMlULqA0DN3y3T6vSDWo4iwWF8eLGauXY6ttDHZ9BdyCHD9O2Bx5wVJtUp2eaXPMqiCZzQ6RwvAJAhtbBPBJbEdZP-sCOr3h9Nh-IVHCFeMKY8Jz9zqlx6VCUwJLkIbGI/s1600/sybil-review.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkTTS5FrHrOAcMlULqA0DN3y3T6vSDWo4iwWF8eLGauXY6ttDHZ9BdyCHD9O2Bx5wVJtUp2eaXPMqiCZzQ6RwvAJAhtbBPBJbEdZP-sCOr3h9Nh-IVHCFeMKY8Jz9zqlx6VCUwJLkIbGI/s320/sybil-review.jpg" /></a></div>Many of you have seen the TV movie Sybil with Sally Field about a woman who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder or DID (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder.) In the film, the main character has many well developed and distinctive personalities. Similarly, you may also have heard of a woman named Truddi Chase wrote a book called “When Rabbit Howls” in 1987 about her experiences with the same disorder. Both of these women suffered terrible repeated physical and sexual abuse as children. While many looking at DID from the outside may it as a height of mental illness, if can actually be viewed as a defense against madness. One theory of DID, it was it is a phenomenon that occurs among very creative people and that this people split off as a way of not going crazy. The abuse, and the memories of the abuse and the complex emotions around them are too much for one person to handle, so the creating of different personalities is away of shuttling memories and emotions into different parts of mind so that the trauma is not to overwhelming.<br />
<br />
<br />
DID is at the extreme end of the spectrum of a group of conditions called dissociative disorders. Very seldom do people have discreet personalities like Sybil and Truddi Chase, but a much larger group of people suffer from a variety of dissociative disorders where parts of themselves, their personalities, emotions, memories are “split” off from one another. These people may have gaps in memory, sudden mood swings or emotion disjoints, like crying but not feeling sad or feeling extreme emotion but lacking the ability to express it clearly or openly. There also people who act and even appear completely different in different situations or with different people, but they do not have fully separate personalities. These can arranged on a long spectrum from at the more functional end the closeted lesbian who is one person in the gay world and another with her family to, at the totally pathological end, the decorated fire chief who is a well respected member of the community but has a secret life torturing and killing prostitutes.<br />
<br />
As some of you know that this week I am starting a year long extensive study in Existential-Psychoanalytic Therapy as I slowly work my way back to seeing psychotherapy clients again. I am a little nervous about the class (this isn’t light stuff and requires a lot of self analysis) but I am much more excited, than I am nervous. I am sure my experiences in that group with fuel some VERY interesting blog postings during the coming year.! What interests me it the approach of this professor and this group is the philosophy behind this class. We will be exploring what we call mental or psychological disorders as very human ways of seeing the world. Not all ways of seeing the world are equally healthy or functional, but nevertheless they are human. Some are personality styles, common differences among people, but others, like those on the disassociate disorder spectrum can paralyze peoples lives and stop, hinder or blunt lives. Some people learn to split themselves off so well, in a way that is so natural to them, that it is almost second nature. At an extreme, thesen people aren’t even sure what their real self is because they are so split off they stop being able to imagine themselves as whole. When these get extreme and limit the way people function in life or block their ability to be happy, therapy and sometimes medication are good and necessary aids to helping people get their lives back under some control.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhot6D8jU589oNP0aGoy9mYIY-3Xjf__8mNd6d69MkwSv14Y8ORSWsobjkewiV115v3cmQpbflGrm8B_hmoP73b8W0Q6rUzctZAh9ijVUkeMoQfQSrTa_msa71PdfOTiWhK8PMlZD85N9U/s1600/santa+therapy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhot6D8jU589oNP0aGoy9mYIY-3Xjf__8mNd6d69MkwSv14Y8ORSWsobjkewiV115v3cmQpbflGrm8B_hmoP73b8W0Q6rUzctZAh9ijVUkeMoQfQSrTa_msa71PdfOTiWhK8PMlZD85N9U/s320/santa+therapy.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Yet, from styles to disorder, there are things we can learn from trauma and disassociation. Don’t we all have memories or bit of memories we don’t understand? Haven’t we all had trauma and suffered some abuse in some way? Don’t we get depressed and have mood swings? Don’t we all split of parts of ourselves, consciously and unconsciously, at different time with different people?<br />
<br />
So why am I concluding my closet series talking about this? <br />
<br />
I think we all are different selves with different people and I don’t always think it is a bad thing. I might talk about them same topic at work, with my mother and with my friends in very different ways. I “perform” the roles of son, co-worker and friend in different ways. Different clothing or costumes both change the person wearing the clothes and may change how people who see them treat them. Clergy people learned long ago that their vestments can allow them to feel powerful and holy and radically change how people treat them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgou42jO9r4Rp6Q7Fl6yJQwFQcJRutcABd2y_Q4zWMpPQAu4f8-mRvzLMKey50f0gf3pILDlPS2Wjsq1kG8nDTk1ek_bRveQAguu-9jML7wUQZI7AKF-5TPry_wVckgd-T-S4R7fbV3ypg/s1600/pope-ring-kiss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgou42jO9r4Rp6Q7Fl6yJQwFQcJRutcABd2y_Q4zWMpPQAu4f8-mRvzLMKey50f0gf3pILDlPS2Wjsq1kG8nDTk1ek_bRveQAguu-9jML7wUQZI7AKF-5TPry_wVckgd-T-S4R7fbV3ypg/s320/pope-ring-kiss.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Of late I have been slightly addicted to two shows created by one of the most famous living drag queens, RuPaul, on LOGO, Drag Race and Drag U. I am not a drag queen and have never felt a pull toward that, yet I love these shows! They show that, using clothes and makeup people can access and express parts of themselves that they don’t normally. While Drag is different for different people, for many effeminate gay men, drag is a way of taking the very thing that they were teased about and turning on its head and creating strong, clever, sarcastic and powerful characters for themselves. They come bigger than life. The show Drag U is a very interesting show because the whole objective is to invite biological women, who have felt ugly and powerless, come on the show enroll in “school” to have drag queens can teach theses women how to create a drag persona and become more powerful and confident, to find their inner Drag queen. Drag takes the idea that women are weaker and powerless and turns it on its head to create powerful, almost superhero-like human beings.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSb5-paU5NfP-6U_XbUXEfOzfbA7o5JieFdhhn8-2ZIhFAFpnN66qwSAc5gpCgeF5vOTQEPkldaQafSAXbjj-kiiytm9_uRqkLY78DEIU2mG0rDNCzOJH_MibOPqaGknOoCASp_6OElSA/s1600/Ru+Drag+Race.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSb5-paU5NfP-6U_XbUXEfOzfbA7o5JieFdhhn8-2ZIhFAFpnN66qwSAc5gpCgeF5vOTQEPkldaQafSAXbjj-kiiytm9_uRqkLY78DEIU2mG0rDNCzOJH_MibOPqaGknOoCASp_6OElSA/s320/Ru+Drag+Race.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsrovubN_dmEtnxpZsyptgLt-GcVtwmZShspOJO9k_aK8FvxV2CUorikDmmja-IsjhNYgDifRNJ1IeXLEQoOkwZZFLL_TnIYJM2PnPQrGCXUhoARFYBbLFbXwlvuD0Tjwv_GDTg28Nw7Q/s1600/rupauls_drag_u+crest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsrovubN_dmEtnxpZsyptgLt-GcVtwmZShspOJO9k_aK8FvxV2CUorikDmmja-IsjhNYgDifRNJ1IeXLEQoOkwZZFLL_TnIYJM2PnPQrGCXUhoARFYBbLFbXwlvuD0Tjwv_GDTg28Nw7Q/s320/rupauls_drag_u+crest.jpg" /></a></div><br />
As I stated in the other postings on this blog, I think in general the closet is a terrible place. Not being able to be who you are is destructive to the closeted person and those around them. However, there are many ways that being different things to different people at different times is very functional and a very good way to explore different part of yourself that aren’t always easy to access. Drag is only one good example. So is dressing up or down in ways you aren’t used to. If you are always in T-shirt and jeans type, look for something dresser that you like, and try that once in awhile. If you are never in jeans or t-shirt, try that! Institutions create dress codes and uniforms because they understand that you can push people into both behaving differently and have people treat each other differently just using clothes. <br />
<br />
Clothes, however, are not the only way to access different parts of the self, there is makeup, voice, ways of walking, posture…in other words, theater! If you have something scary you have to do in life, pretend you are a strong confident person, create a character, give him/her a name, a history, a walk and an attitude. Pretending/performing/acting are actually ways to explore even more real parts of ourselves, of our potential. If you walk into a situation pretending to be confident, acting like a character that is different from how you normally think of yourself, that act of that performance is actually a part of the real you!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsZJ0DozF-kmvohb6AT_ZVMivNePU3uIpHRY-U3E2skhd7gw2Nj86DrMEU4cwYWmxWaNrhnBMHnXxkYbNwR0xUOPxnM6VScwksMXkYvvloqTh2DwP3CFc-q1xrxyZ2bvCL5G2f48aKeQc/s1600/rupaul.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsZJ0DozF-kmvohb6AT_ZVMivNePU3uIpHRY-U3E2skhd7gw2Nj86DrMEU4cwYWmxWaNrhnBMHnXxkYbNwR0xUOPxnM6VScwksMXkYvvloqTh2DwP3CFc-q1xrxyZ2bvCL5G2f48aKeQc/s320/rupaul.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ngkw_rupaul-supermodel_music">http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ngkw_rupaul-supermodel_music</a><br />
<br />
<br />
The closet can be a locked prison where people are trapped in or lock themselves in or it can be a place of potential liberation filled with magical options that make life more interesting and powerful.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjymuwwpcBQgmCQ4qWbuFt-3vD_6LhWipjIo5ZSNMwlZxV46Oo-DDqhlGWLLi5E1A-jkagIVneQSlIr7gCpvK4jcMK67ewWhzT5eIPQqVX29bm-yczew13dFG5uFx5i2hNP8p9mdwQ6gUw/s1600/rachel-zoe-in-her-closet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjymuwwpcBQgmCQ4qWbuFt-3vD_6LhWipjIo5ZSNMwlZxV46Oo-DDqhlGWLLi5E1A-jkagIVneQSlIr7gCpvK4jcMK67ewWhzT5eIPQqVX29bm-yczew13dFG5uFx5i2hNP8p9mdwQ6gUw/s320/rachel-zoe-in-her-closet.jpg" /></a></div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-59325143188477022962010-09-06T20:23:00.000-07:002010-09-07T07:52:51.250-07:00Are you in a spiritual closet?The spiritual closet refers to the ways we can split off our spirituality from our lives, and our families and friends. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8pAPBeVl09AVPhot-vXVXrqjfAZYTQcLduB66H7hdnze7tFBKeR5Bjtja5_CwVujOpQQQtkDPQYdcf0LNtrMN6E4IUrOQyq_sWrY11hn27vHdy6iV8YJgDL-mC3x-I3MjO1JXgqBbs2k/s1600/closet.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8pAPBeVl09AVPhot-vXVXrqjfAZYTQcLduB66H7hdnze7tFBKeR5Bjtja5_CwVujOpQQQtkDPQYdcf0LNtrMN6E4IUrOQyq_sWrY11hn27vHdy6iV8YJgDL-mC3x-I3MjO1JXgqBbs2k/s320/closet.bmp" /></a></div><br />
The image of what it means to be a good solid American encourages the spiritual closet, especially if you don’t fit that image (and nobody fits it totally.) To be an ideal American is to be a generic Protestant with a belief in God, and who attends church semi-regularly. The good American does not get too passionate about his or her faith. Even in our churches, talking about our personal beliefs or experiences with the divinity is not encouraged, especially if they seem to contradict what is taught in church. A good American also doesn’t follow their faith to the letter, but also never seriously questions their faith. Good Americans are mildly Christian (though Roman Catholics are suspect)….maybe Jewish…but anything else isn’t seen as quite American. As the US population adds more Roman Catholics and Muslims to its ranks this is changing, slowly, however the idealized, slightly secularized, American protestant is a persistent idealized image in the American psyche. Take for example, the office of president, religion MUST come up in every election. Did that ideal play any part in John McCain not choosing Jewish Joe Lieberman as his running mate? Do you think that a presidential candidate who was Hindu or an atheist would have a chance in an election today’s America? Remember, in the US we have had exactly one non-protestant president, JFK. Just think of how the false belief that President Obama is a Muslim has spread fear and hate of the president throughout the US.<br />
<br />
<div></div>Here are a few examples of the spiritual closet, but there are many, and I daresay, dear reader, you likely find others from your own life.<br />
<br />
<div></div><ul><li>A college professor who follows the teachings of ‘Amma’, the hugging guru of India, but hides that fact for fear of being mocked by his colleagues and fear it will lessen his creditability as an academic. Following a spiritual practice that is new or far form the traditional religions might mean her coworker sees her as “flakey” and “ungrounded.” Those perceptions can have very real concrete consequences with regard to things like promotions, committee appointments, tenure debates, etc.</li>
</ul><br />
<ul><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgrcb6e_Kq25TjPcF5gynPE-7rwrUuuweSOWB1Y9tbR9UPzusJ9xDlUqWqRD3h0Vzrdw-z1UjDTYKO7a-60TsgBExJ4lh4j5SEpBWtYpavfxYPcFgqRs3zU-FsJG1qvZHDhO0DBC5Fi_Q/s1600/amma-hugging-saint_57338s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgrcb6e_Kq25TjPcF5gynPE-7rwrUuuweSOWB1Y9tbR9UPzusJ9xDlUqWqRD3h0Vzrdw-z1UjDTYKO7a-60TsgBExJ4lh4j5SEpBWtYpavfxYPcFgqRs3zU-FsJG1qvZHDhO0DBC5Fi_Q/s320/amma-hugging-saint_57338s.jpg" /></a>http://www.amma.org/</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>
<li>A gay man who attends church regularly never mentions to his faith to his other gay friends, effectively creating another closet. Among large segments of the LGBT Americans, seeing that opposition to equal rights for LGBT people is VERY often religiously motivated, has not only turned away from religion, but views it as oppressive and dangerous. These people might view a LGBT religious person as a kind of spiritual Uncle Tom. </li>
</ul><em>Church of the Poison Mind</em><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVzAH0FtNwg">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVzAH0FtNwg</a><br />
<br />
<ul><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMY34TqauBnD93fN8K1jnKFGDYhUL2_aVhVSvMoHt3-NuiAquUgg3rLc_zBV4xjIPl76ULroJdqEn18IGE3JnpYWgf0AEhEg0WTRi9oWjzZFhto4IGnJXntlHISxUVYM5bw85bCmGjA7U/s1600/Boy-George_l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMY34TqauBnD93fN8K1jnKFGDYhUL2_aVhVSvMoHt3-NuiAquUgg3rLc_zBV4xjIPl76ULroJdqEn18IGE3JnpYWgf0AEhEg0WTRi9oWjzZFhto4IGnJXntlHISxUVYM5bw85bCmGjA7U/s320/Boy-George_l.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>
<li>A Roman Catholic couple decides to use the pill because they don’t want to have anymore children. They don’t feel guilty about it; in fact their marriage feels stronger, their family closer and more loving since they started. They see this reality, not as something to be explored or put in dialogue with Catholic teachings, but it is their own falling short, therefore something to be ignored and hidden away. </li>
</ul><br />
<ul><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVVCwnkdS2LUp1z48AZYTPwMcdXdP6k64bbNxO0VLHAzjTbZBraZ5Dpg5oOw_gAE4CUZaqFPvbBCuzy49ZtCvohMI6mpX11svYi-y5XVNU3tfNFEIbkxRlFZMlCrzpepLQX7mQ21GRp1M/s1600/pill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVVCwnkdS2LUp1z48AZYTPwMcdXdP6k64bbNxO0VLHAzjTbZBraZ5Dpg5oOw_gAE4CUZaqFPvbBCuzy49ZtCvohMI6mpX11svYi-y5XVNU3tfNFEIbkxRlFZMlCrzpepLQX7mQ21GRp1M/s320/pill.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>
<li>An orthodox Jewish woman gets married and has children with an orthodox Jewish man who she no feelings for, even though she is in love with a reform Jewish man. She has been taught that good orthodox girls can only marry good orthodox men no matter how they feel. She can’t accept that her feelings or believe that her genuine love can possibly be in dialogue with her faith. She is never herself with her family, and the family is never as close as it could be. Sshe is often depressed, hopeless, and feels disconnected from others.</li>
</ul><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6kfxKMtnsLuMkXQe6-wpVl5WYkH8G9Fq7CqxWN1KpfOKifcjhDujcJkLroqh-N3gNCV1kGxJaLOTEDO4uyqErLKAvo2zqGPJYq6PCIPUxdIAdYwdcJPyLE8MpfIrJvlAUhZELgZ-9N6M/s1600/Jewish+wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6kfxKMtnsLuMkXQe6-wpVl5WYkH8G9Fq7CqxWN1KpfOKifcjhDujcJkLroqh-N3gNCV1kGxJaLOTEDO4uyqErLKAvo2zqGPJYq6PCIPUxdIAdYwdcJPyLE8MpfIrJvlAUhZELgZ-9N6M/s320/Jewish+wedding.jpg" /></a></div><br />
As I see it, there are two sides to the spiritual closet, the "in-door" and the "out-door."<br />
<br />
<div></div>The “in-door” is the closet where we keep our spirituality hidden from others. It is the story of the first two examples above.<br />
<br />
<div></div>In the so called “intellectual” northeast being a person of faith can be viewed negatively. People will hide their spiritual beliefs from others so they will not be viewed as ignorant, superstitious or old fashioned. Those who are followers of traditional religions can be viewed as old fashioned and too traditional. They can be seen as dull and not creative. People who follow eastern or more new age spirituality can be viewed as ungrounded and superficial. If you take a yoga practice too seriously, you’re a hippie, if you don’t eat meat on Friday during lent, you are old fashioned. Someone might also choose to be closet if their religion/spiritual practice is very different from others around them. There might be some huge disadvantage being “out” such as in the case of being the only Muslim in southern bible belt town or the only Baptist in a small, almost completely Mormon, Utah town.<br />
<br />
<div></div>What I call the “out-door” closet describes hiding the experiences and insights you have gathered in your life from being in active dialogue with your spirituality. Many people believe that the tradition, ritual, rules, etc, of their spirituality are the “real” truths and their lived experience must always take a back seat to the tradition. In the scenario above, the last two examples are of the “out-door.” Even though their experience of using birth control is actually a very good one in the context of their marriage, they would not dream of putting that truth up against the Vatican teaching on birth control. This line of thinking says that church must be right and the lived experience must be wrong.<br />
<br />
<div></div>I will never forget something someone once said in a class I was taking “most people would rather believe in a good religion where they fall short than believe they might be right and their religion might be wrong.” We somehow feel more in control blaming ourselves rather than an unjust teaching or bad doctrine.<br />
<br />
<div></div>It is the spiritual equivalent of what happens to battered children, namely surviving trauma. From birth through childhood children are dependant on those who parent them for everything from love to food. The child’s nature means that s/he will do everything s/he can to survive and thrive. Children need their parents to love and care for them, no matter how abusive those parents may be. Children who are abused have to love their abusers to survive. The problem comes when they grow up and they can’t out grow loving the abuser. Often times they then find themselves in abusive relationships because those kinds of relationships they feel loving to them. It is the same reason I think parents who stay in an unhappy marriage “for the sake of the children” aren’t doing the kids any favors…but that is for another blog entry…<br />
<br />
<div></div>I think many of our religious traditions have abused us. As adults we know better, yet we do nothing, because the religion can’t be wrong, only our experience can be wrong. Even when our experience tells us that a piece of doctrine is wrong, we doggedly bury that knowledge, so that we may continue to be “loved” by that faith. <br />
<br />
<div></div>During the course of my seminary education I was quite amused by the hubris implicit in the conclusions of theological debates in the early Christian church. During those times, different Christian groups debated things like the trinity and the exact nature of humanity and divinity of Jesus. What amused me was that somehow, these questions were “settled” by the councils of the church, never to be questioned again. Somehow, at sometime, somewhere, somebody looked at all the different views of trinity and Jesus’ nature and decided which were right and which were wrong; end of story.<br />
<br />
<div></div>Now perhaps you can do that in science to a degree, you can have a hypothesis, test it and come up with a scientific law or theory, but in theology? To me, the task of every spiritual person is revisit all the questions of their faith as if they were exploring them for the first time. I don’t believe that we should ignore history and tradition, but nor should be assume the conclusions of the past must be our conclusions and must be the higher truth.<br />
<br />
<div></div>Take for example slavery. It is quite clear that the bible, at the very best, says nothing negative about slavery as an institution. At worse, the bible appears to support the institution. While slavery in America was a different institution than the one that existed in biblical times, many preachers who supported slavery before and during the civil war in the US used the bible to support their case. Quite honestly, it is very easy to build a strong case for the institution of slavery using the bible. In order to hold on to the bible as a spiritual tool and do what is right and just, you have bring our own sense of right and wrong to the reading of the bible…That is coming OUT of the spiritual closet, that is saying this holy book and the sacredness of human wisdom and experience MUST talk to one another.<br />
<br />
<div></div>One often heard saying is that one should never talk about politics or religion. One of the reasons is to avoid uncomfortable conversions and conflict, but I believe we also avoid these discussions because we are uncomfortable discussing the spiritual. I think that many people are much more uncomfortable talking about their personal experience of the divine than they are about sex. Part of this is because we have not learned to respect and learn from the spiritual differences among people. We don’t know how to be both passionate and committed to our beliefs without somehow degrading someone else who believes completely differently. Some people think that it is impossible, that if you are really committed to your faith you can’t believe someone else could also be right.<br />
<br />
<div></div>I have to say, I couldn’t disagree more.<br />
<br />
I think that one can be committed to a spiritual path, all the while acknowledging that in the realm of spiritual exploration there is ALWAYS more to learn and that learning is a spiritual task. The only way to deeply explore your faith is to know it could be wrong and be willing to let it go. Working a seminary, I have seen this process happen again and again. As seminary students begin to study the work of different theologians and learn different ways to study the bible, they find the way they think of their faith is radically shaken. While I have seen this cause people to change faiths or give up on religious faith altogether, more often than not I see people retain their faith, but with new eyes. They mature and “come out.” <br />
<br />
<div></div>We can live a life of a faith without being rigid; we can learn a healthy spiritual humility that is both more open and flexible. We have the option, the ability, to bring all of who we are to our spiritual explorations. We also have the option of seeing our faith, our spirituality less as membership in club and more as tool we have at our disposal to explore and uncover the truths that live in our experiences on this earth.<br />
<br />
My favorite way to revision faith is music... thank you Bobby McFerrin<br />
<br />
23rd Psalm- written for his mother<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9fzWq-d8jU">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9fzWq-d8jU</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3eCRg_S_Gwx2etGGOzexTcTu_WRRjHJDk8irvBHSO62lhfrvYafgcL_Q1t9RlU9q2y0M-OTFUz8PoJQAq0iYfc0k9lKmrwnZEsgviHecF36Oir1ouxJA5Ua70UOgZTvcI8dZItG09j88/s1600/bobby%2520mcferrin%2520cover%252010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3eCRg_S_Gwx2etGGOzexTcTu_WRRjHJDk8irvBHSO62lhfrvYafgcL_Q1t9RlU9q2y0M-OTFUz8PoJQAq0iYfc0k9lKmrwnZEsgviHecF36Oir1ouxJA5Ua70UOgZTvcI8dZItG09j88/s320/bobby%2520mcferrin%2520cover%252010.jpg" /></a></div><div></div><br />
<div></div><br />
<div></div><br />
<div></div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-32774602195061598082010-08-31T20:30:00.000-07:002010-09-02T12:04:14.918-07:00..it's one life, so you better like what’s in your closet…<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOY8U42OelclBkj5WnoQu5QEAUl-lzz65QO75qG8N2uJbx3v55YEZ8eizL3SN_8WoCbW1Efhn3leW6rieT1MEWzObMBWQ1PoUuhycF5jLopfYJS544PptdNzoUAtn0banUjBwWIz7_Wgc/s1600/LaCage_jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOY8U42OelclBkj5WnoQu5QEAUl-lzz65QO75qG8N2uJbx3v55YEZ8eizL3SN_8WoCbW1Efhn3leW6rieT1MEWzObMBWQ1PoUuhycF5jLopfYJS544PptdNzoUAtn0banUjBwWIz7_Wgc/s320/LaCage_jpg.jpg" /></a></div><em>It takes a lifetime to become the best that we can be, we have not the time or the right to judge each other, one life, so you better like what’s in your closet!- Gloria Gaynor in the spoken forword to the song “I am what I am” (not shown in the video lonk above). The song was also used in the Broadway musical "La Cage Aux Folles."</em><br />
<br />
This is the first in a series (three postings) about the closet. In today’s I want to focus on the traditional understanding of the closet for gay people as a way of referring to those people who do not disclose that they are gay. Then in second posting, I will talk about what it means to be closeted spiritually and in the third I will explore using the of the closet metaphor (and a few other images) as a basic way of understanding human life and personality for everyone.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6JKuKnXXqrAJ9m6LIUaXt0AbzvZKCmRN4t7forXegXijlv0p-4huBzzn1zx3P1YI9MvD_5LdL1vsMDGs-Vl692H9-bR55xyoborhardNCFcbOCana9oiZHAlNaegm4yFNBg1SHRw615g/s1600/3797_1899_drunk-closet-pisser.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6JKuKnXXqrAJ9m6LIUaXt0AbzvZKCmRN4t7forXegXijlv0p-4huBzzn1zx3P1YI9MvD_5LdL1vsMDGs-Vl692H9-bR55xyoborhardNCFcbOCana9oiZHAlNaegm4yFNBg1SHRw615g/s320/3797_1899_drunk-closet-pisser.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
I want to start with original understanding of the closet as it applies to LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered) people. The clooset is a place where things can be hidden behind a closed door where no one will see it. When I think of this image I often think of a place where all the crap you have can be shoved behind a door where no one can see it. The closet always seems like that the undesirable, the dirty, the evil secret. Thinking of horror movies, closets are mysterious places where dangerous things hide that, if released, could destroy everything..<br />
<br />
There are many ways to understand the closet. Part of what inspired me to do this blog was realizing that when you really look at things up close, they are more complex than our first snap judgment might indicate. In different places and at different times, the closet has been a place safety for many people. In recent times, this country has become a safer place for LGBT people in general, but there still many places where being out of the closet can mean you are at huge risk for your safety. If you are child or teen and your parents are homophobic, the closet is a means of survival. LGBT teens make up a GIANT part of homeless teenagers and of teen suicides. If you are in college and your homophobic parents pay the bills, you might lose your chance at a college education if you come out. In this great country you can still legally be denied a job or lose a job for being a LBGT person. Outside the US there are places you can legally be imprisoned, tortured or even killed for being LGBT and being closeted means living to see another day.<br />
<br />
The closet is a place where all LGBT people have been in at some point. Let’s face it, we are all pretty much raised with the assumption that we are straight. I think that is changing, but for the most part it is still true. At some point nearly LGBT person has to say to someone else that they are not straight and “come out.” Except in cases where the closet person is working against LGBT people politically, religiously, etc. I don’t believe someone should be pulled out of the closet. This is a highly personal and individual process. I remember a graduate school professor once telling me that a therapist should take care not to go around ripping away people's security/safety banket suddenly, people's defenses have to be respected before the client and therapist can build an alliance to help the walls come down..People need to do things in their own time, often with help from friends, loved ones and good therapists. <br />
<br />
All that being said, that does not change the fact that I think the closet is a psychologically, politically and spiritually a very dark and negative space. We need less closets in our lives for the sake of our health, the well being of our loved ones and justice in our world. Psychologically, the consequences of staying in the closet over the long haul are gravely damaging to the individuals involved, their families and friends, and society as a whole.<br />
<br />
We all have closets, things about ourselves that we hide from other people; that is simply a fact of life. However, hiding one’s sexual identity is fundamentally unique and different from hiding other secrets. I believe that our sexual identity, whatever it may be, something at the core of what makes us human. My philosophy of psychology is based on relationships. I believe our relationships with others are basis of who we are as people. I believe we are who we are because of how relate to others, from the day we born onward. While I do not believe all relationships are based in sexuality, our sexuality is at the very base of our humanity. <br />
<br />
Our sexual identity, straight, LGBT, etc. isn’t about sex as much as it about the type of person you can love in a way you can love no one else. No matter how hard a gay man tries, he can never fall in love with woman in the same way he can with a man, it is simply isn’t part of his nature. A snake may want to fly, but it never will.<br />
<br />
Being in the closet is a heavy burden for the closeted person. It is like someone who has a beautifully wrapped birthday present but who refuses unwrap it because the wrapping is so beautiful. Yes, the box stays pretty, but the potential, the very reason it is a gift, is buried.The closet requires hiding, lying, and constant monitoring one's self. It is living a life that never feels completely safe, totally authentic or the ability to feel emotional truly close to the people in our lives. It is also a burden for the families and friends around the person. By its nature, the closet creates an unknown, an elephant in the room. A family with a closeted member will always be limited in how close people in that family can become to one another. When a basic truth about how someone loves is hidden, it is not destroyed, it lingers, hanging in the air and it changes every relationship around it. In world of the closet, the relationships between the closeted person and those they care about are always less than they were meant to be.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxbn6CduUutsja3FvEgtINQPZ8qp07UipyX9j-GNwnP6gv4iJSk4EmNiT5Bv1kon9wt7cY3cWglYEz9hR-zikmO7l0OxoJi5oSMIQWKkfd-kY8F_MgaYWh1POImyhx42C1PVomx04ksBQ/s1600/unhappy-young-family_~IS540-031.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxbn6CduUutsja3FvEgtINQPZ8qp07UipyX9j-GNwnP6gv4iJSk4EmNiT5Bv1kon9wt7cY3cWglYEz9hR-zikmO7l0OxoJi5oSMIQWKkfd-kY8F_MgaYWh1POImyhx42C1PVomx04ksBQ/s320/unhappy-young-family_~IS540-031.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
The closeted person at some level knows why their relationships with their family and friends always has some degree of a shallow, shadow-like quality that never quite feels real , but it is even sadder for those around the closeted person. They feel an emptiness and distance, but never know exactly why. The closet prevents a real closeness between even the closest family and friends. The closet creates a false sense of peace and calm that tries to take the place of depth and authenticity, but never can. Avoiding conflict takes priority over connectedness. Being closeted means remaining fragmented in your relationships, never feeling quite whole and being unable to make deep real connections to others. It also means that you condemn those you love the most from ever being close to you or to one another.<br />
<br />
Politically, the more people stay in the closet, the harder it is for people to understand that gay people are human and deserving of human rights. Within the community of out gay people, the closet is often thought expression of oppression. Closeted people are often thought of negatively among “out” LGBT people. They are thought of as, at best oppressed, and at worse, suspect. Closeted people are seen as either not doing their part in the noble struggle for LGBT rights or they are seen as working against LGBT people in order to protect themselves. Out LBGT people see that the more people stay in the closet the harder it is for people to see that we are not evil, immoral, or all that much different from straight people.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqAlMbFcLySw-PL2lMDHIpbvp4eTBKoc7YfP0Ya6vPY0VfTaPgVgSMHV8XRPpzK_L07Vw472RtYp3Ha4lqHOzQQI1tFUVA7dUDIWYi9d6yXRxadffzdHa9kd3QqdA7oua-VmR64f3FGFg/s1600/gay_rights.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqAlMbFcLySw-PL2lMDHIpbvp4eTBKoc7YfP0Ya6vPY0VfTaPgVgSMHV8XRPpzK_L07Vw472RtYp3Ha4lqHOzQQI1tFUVA7dUDIWYi9d6yXRxadffzdHa9kd3QqdA7oua-VmR64f3FGFg/s200/gay_rights.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
It is one thing to think about “gay rights” and “gay people” it is another to have to deal with gay father, mother, sister or brother. It is easy to be against same sex people getting married, it is quite another to not believe your sister should have the right to marry the person she loves. People in the closet keep up the myth that gay people are “other” people. <br />
<br />
Finally, spiritually, I believe that humanity and the divinity are images of one another, or to put it another way, we are all created in God’s image. What I love about that idea, is how many ways we are created, different races, genders, bodies, temperaments, etc. I believe we come into this world as an expression of the divine and our lives are meant to unfold in ways to uncover truths about the humaniity and divinity for the world to see. Christians talk about “Christ consciousness” and the Buddhists talk about our “Buddha nature” as ways of understanding how we live our lives are icons, our experiences as living examples pointing to the nature of God. I believe that coming into this world as a LGBT person means to be a specific face of God. Living our lives with honesty, openness and integrity and exploring the potential for love is the life we were meant to live. We are meant, by our creator, to be whole, happy healthy people, living that kind of life is a prayer, a way of showing the world something of God. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZpAHk5VSZg5sf2FO-YJbTXgVcNDpQfjs8jyK8v4t0rF2jdmdVgXhNSGBntgEGduuVFDqxTn1b612CbxIdLfLSBhKjkq-G6t9z4WhWL1_NSSfq1IWuVvUItVLQX4Q_F747dp67K1ona1k/s1600/250PX-~1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZpAHk5VSZg5sf2FO-YJbTXgVcNDpQfjs8jyK8v4t0rF2jdmdVgXhNSGBntgEGduuVFDqxTn1b612CbxIdLfLSBhKjkq-G6t9z4WhWL1_NSSfq1IWuVvUItVLQX4Q_F747dp67K1ona1k/s320/250PX-~1.JPG" /></a></div><br />
Coming out of the closet is risky, difficult, and not without very serious consequences for many people. This essay is a call for all of us to build a world where being in the closet is a relic of an oppressive past. This is a NOT condemnation of individual people who are closeted, but call to all of us to be constantly working to build a better world all the time. If we create a world without closeted LGBT people we make this world a place where people are less psychologically fragmented and healthier relationships with the people they love, where politically we are clear that justice for all is really justice for all. We are clear that LGBT people are made in the image and likeness of God and without their openness, the picture of God and of human nature is painfully incomplete. We are all meant to shine our light, to shine our love through the lives we live...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP1BbOODBVRB8gKjBoKU6dvnilevPWRpX7DiMKQF56HVj20MCVnLydqK5cRCJ_BaeEwUzm4elIg8E043ZL6oNZlU_5ci8cB1nAmSMMOGtoWyz_6ZDAzbpm6ISERDlAyXQomXRLTmPEDDY/s1600/Holding_Mr_Sun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP1BbOODBVRB8gKjBoKU6dvnilevPWRpX7DiMKQF56HVj20MCVnLydqK5cRCJ_BaeEwUzm4elIg8E043ZL6oNZlU_5ci8cB1nAmSMMOGtoWyz_6ZDAzbpm6ISERDlAyXQomXRLTmPEDDY/s320/Holding_Mr_Sun.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-71998190569421760892010-08-26T15:37:00.000-07:002010-08-26T15:39:07.099-07:00Love Continued...So, did the last posting leave you all in the blogosphere thinking I had given up on romantic love? <br />
<br />
<br />
Well, I didn’t.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0E9QCoe2rUgbGKzdOXuWqY8-mkTNBUl3Zhg5JLY-WxRUKe-maEi58yo4S_Lb-56d-x8jesFsfKfv7EtuYRh6TuoN1GUXVwNQEtH6Vx6epuP-Z9uC_Q3dz8f2-8tem0cOToIJ3Xyv_gRE/s1600/robert-indiana-love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0E9QCoe2rUgbGKzdOXuWqY8-mkTNBUl3Zhg5JLY-WxRUKe-maEi58yo4S_Lb-56d-x8jesFsfKfv7EtuYRh6TuoN1GUXVwNQEtH6Vx6epuP-Z9uC_Q3dz8f2-8tem0cOToIJ3Xyv_gRE/s320/robert-indiana-love.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
I still believe in love, but I believe differently. Brace yourself for the metaphors…<br />
<br />
I believe that love is an invitation. I had a therapist once tell me love was inviting someone to dance. I have never forgotten that; think it quite a beautiful idea.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAnE6fJ_tMJNlgJkuG6K8BU8LHTRwPa136uaJpnNGOLt-52dv5EktmGlk8niFOCRfXuh2ktHOTt0vwspAv2pN1usUICgvB3VGI724k-K93N6t6iDjfPy_hWHe6MkGh-PLwsAFYEgiVPgI/s1600/dws6-male-celebrities.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAnE6fJ_tMJNlgJkuG6K8BU8LHTRwPa136uaJpnNGOLt-52dv5EktmGlk8niFOCRfXuh2ktHOTt0vwspAv2pN1usUICgvB3VGI724k-K93N6t6iDjfPy_hWHe6MkGh-PLwsAFYEgiVPgI/s320/dws6-male-celebrities.jpg" /></a></div><br />
I think that love is a signal, an invitation, a sign, perhaps even an icon. It is a map to a destination, but having the map is no guarantee you get to the goal.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJRxk2_13UBL6o3Td03NxIZM6Pr0IW53V04k3Sy3qSVaU7GIM8vjlSwU0Ts5Sjs9DAZOCWPN1jpZw4wjlETfgPy2OvWg0bAX50ujWEDo4BefAp61YWl67Sa1mTK7gmeAUrYHpUFT4GkPw/s1600/provincetown+map.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJRxk2_13UBL6o3Td03NxIZM6Pr0IW53V04k3Sy3qSVaU7GIM8vjlSwU0Ts5Sjs9DAZOCWPN1jpZw4wjlETfgPy2OvWg0bAX50ujWEDo4BefAp61YWl67Sa1mTK7gmeAUrYHpUFT4GkPw/s320/provincetown+map.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Love is first most important ingredient in a recipe, but it isn’t the only one. If goal is the cake of happiness in a happy healthy relationship, then love is the flour in the recipe. It is essential, perhaps the most essential, ingredient, but alone it isn’t enough make a cake. (Yes, I know, very McArthur Park)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8FlSSDyh0aJg28kM0_iHjF8Mjb5cOPQTQxhmfxIVcw1v6WjPbQTXZUCZ0Mf8mguUhdBWfvfgOPqnTfGiJdLFtjIsEgRXh-XtjUq_anTJ6q-GAMCgLYQj345GQxcLeHZHtBJ_vzV8_IZA/s320/Donna+Summer.jpg" /><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT6qGrY9RHC_xv0ISBwfxyHnbxOPJ1KUL9byWSu73X-lCeKskCR5AEmieUmi2JMs0HWtBnRHl-1Wn1azW-AJMFKzGm6siLqyNxh0mpSlbKD3NL40UAmdGLD8BX6zEd6Yh3UnPBg2UIAZ0/s320/umbrella+cake.jpg" /></div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaZim6ybvdA">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaZim6ybvdA</a><br />
<br />
<br />
So I no longer believe that if people are really truly in love it means that they will definitely have great relationship in the future. For love to lead to a happy relationship, love needs a lot help. There are so many other factors that aren’t about love, but are about human relationships. People have to be committed to working hard over the long haul. People have to be willing to deal with the ebbs and flows of sexual attraction over time. People have to know that the person they love will definitely change, sometimes in unpredictable ways. People have to willing to share with one another the most deeply personal, difficult and embarrassing parts of life. People have to be willing to pay the price that can come when being in a romantic relationship someone changes other relationships in their lives.<br />
<br />
I think that far too many people get into long term committed relationships too quickly. <br />
<br />
I think people need to really take the time to get to know someone before committing to them. I think marrying/partnering at young age in our post-modern world in is simply silly. I think people should experience a good long period as a single adult, before committing to someone else. Get to know yourself before you commit to someone else! Get to know someone before you commit to him/her!<br />
<br />
As for the old standard of not having sex before marriage I think it beyond ridiculous. It was an old, very sexist, custom that has ALWAYS applied to women more than men (few people have ever been upset that a man wasn’t a virgin on his wedding night!) and was clearly about men being sure that his property was “new” and that any children were HIS offspring.<br />
<br />
In today’s world the notion that ANYONE would make a commitment to another person before having a sexual life with them is foolhardy. If you committing to a life with someone and sex is part of that life, isn’t important to know if you are sexual compatible? I say people should LOTS of sex before marriage so you know this is person you would like to have LOTS of sex with in the future! Sex is not the only, or even the most important part of love, but it is a part of love and should not be easily dismissed. No one should put up with a bad sex life. As stated above, sex ebbs and flows between people, but it is always something people will revisit again and again.<br />
<br />
I think that too many people get married/enter a committed relationship in general. Is it so wrong to live your life without a partner? Is it so wrong to know that being in a long term relationship isn’t right for you? <br />
<br />
At 44, I would honestly still LOVE to be in a long term loving relationship, but I have no regrets. I have loved my life as I have lived it and I am not sure there is much I would change. I want to be with one special person, and yet, if it doesn’t happen I attend live, love and enjoy my life just as much as if I sharing with one special someone. There other kinds of love, friends, family, pets (hey Sammy, you finally made the blog!) that have always filled my life with joy and I hope always will.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPgT5mNkw8SAczTnGz7rrSkXGd4P96Bsh60e1Im-jsj4b61E6K-S5vALbUA4dBHD0vKnpWlCnyY7irCE3huO10Seoq0Jzk3UymXnkBKI_xcb9Dyhton0DepEq3guNDzRZI34IwYPyJVCo/s1600/Sammy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPgT5mNkw8SAczTnGz7rrSkXGd4P96Bsh60e1Im-jsj4b61E6K-S5vALbUA4dBHD0vKnpWlCnyY7irCE3huO10Seoq0Jzk3UymXnkBKI_xcb9Dyhton0DepEq3guNDzRZI34IwYPyJVCo/s320/Sammy.JPG" /></a></div>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-77166020720441123852010-08-23T21:36:00.000-07:002010-08-23T21:49:27.974-07:00What is Love anyway?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLG_q6I6t6dP8WSMj5Mo7vj5H5TiCqcKe4Q1QJ8UVyeSK98hcicY-tgYfgrHSyT0ix5nLMuo6rBy3TRcfzBCiaMSObSAz3FwWy_RziQFr4gkS2NBbFXDlfP5UYnQ7UIv_H5IUWBYdAXJA/s320/Howard_Jones_mix.jpg" />Those of who Loved the 80’s understand the title and the picture, wisdom from the Howard Jones…</div><br />
I wondered what would happen if I really combined my psychological and theological perspectives and my experiences as a middle aged man on my own ideas of romantic Love. I don’t think my ideas (ideals?) are that much different from most Americans.<br />
<br />
I was originally going to call this “I don’t believe in Love anymore, is that so wrong?” but then I decided it was too harsh and actually not really true.<br />
<br />
What is true is that my particular mid-life crisis seems to really be focus on the meaning of romantic Love. At mid-life a lot of us get reflective, perhaps philosophical, perhaps wise, perhaps depressed. In the middle of our lives, many of us feel compelled to put the experiences of half of a lifetime in contrast with our long held concepts, ideas and values. Sometime people write great books or bad poetry, some change their religious or spiritual beliefs, some people find new, more satisfying careers, others have meaningless affairs or buy sports cars. It is an opportunity for great insight and wisdom, though honestly sometimes it just feels like the rug is being pulled out from under us with nothing to hold on to…<br />
<br />
For most of my life I was sure… really sure… that when I really fell in Love, when any two people really connected, everything would work out…it would have to, it was party of “the plan.” I believed Love had a magical power you count on that made everything just right. It could easily be said I had a faith in Love that was VERY similar to religious faith. <br />
<br />
Over the years, when that belief didn’t pan out, I could always explain it away. When I first came out, I was sure I would fall in Love soon and live happily ever after. When that didn’t happen I was just sure I hadn’t met the right guy “yet.” Love required patience. Then a couple I knew, who seems perfect for each other admitted infidelity I was shaken. I was very disillusioned, but still believe it was an aberration, and Love would find away. When I first met a couple who had an open relationship and that shook me, but still I believed in Love. While personally I have always known myself to be pretty much a one guy guy, I came to believe that monogamy and non-monogamy are choices in relationships that are less about morality and more about the personal nature of the people involved. Anyway, I came to see that either option could find Love and Love would make everything OK, and real Love would still win out and change everything<br />
<br />
I really believed (and I think a lot of Americans still do believe) that once you found true Love, your life would make perfect sense. As if by magic, true Love would transform everything and everyone would live happily ever after. I believed that once you really made that connection, it would be the beginning of eternal happiness and you would either understand the meaning of life, or would stop caring about it.<br />
<br />
But, then slowly, as the years went on and on the doubts crept in more and more and got harder to shake off. When my father and my friend Rob died within a about a year of one another, I was devastated. Afterlife or not, I was not prepared for how real their losses would be to me, how real the sense of never seeing them in the flesh would feel. I really shook me, gave me doubt about what Love was, and how exactly Love was “eternal.”<br />
<br />
Then there was watching the relationships of people in my life. No offense to any of you reading this, but over time, I came find fewer and fewer relationships I really envied. I watched relationships I knew (gay and straight) turn bitter, anger or empty over time. Some of those relationships ended, some did not…frankly I am not sure whether I am sadder about the relationships that ended, or the ones that stayed together. Found myself looking at some of these relationships and being disillusioned that the people in them weren’t willing to work harder to stay together. Looking at others, I thought how much happier everyone could be if both parties just moved on and left each other. I have seen people cling to a relationship because the idea of being alone or causing any conflict were too much to bear. I have seen people given up on partner too easily, with no patience, strength or willingness to weather a storm.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeMbeIsbBFG4oCqZZT2k18zUj5mLfg0E15pR8OW2qTEPKSEZ09PTrboR7t4hQBa9y-YVPSHNW19SnOjAjH_Iu9GdMy9FRnxMhiI4FoojHD0P5NxGFjR-oDUFA_H3ArRksdYhpeI_YEOgs/s1600/necco-conversation-hearts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeMbeIsbBFG4oCqZZT2k18zUj5mLfg0E15pR8OW2qTEPKSEZ09PTrboR7t4hQBa9y-YVPSHNW19SnOjAjH_Iu9GdMy9FRnxMhiI4FoojHD0P5NxGFjR-oDUFA_H3ArRksdYhpeI_YEOgs/s320/necco-conversation-hearts.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Then there are my broken romances. I won’t give too many details, to protect myself and both the innocent and the guilty. Needless to say, I have felt like I was in Love probably 3-4 times in my life (that number changes depending on how my selective memory works on a given day and how deeply I am willing to look back) and believe I have actually been really been in Love, exactly once. Whatever has been true in my romantic life, Love did not make everything better, clearer or easier and here I sit, a single, yet not totally unfulfilled, 44 year old man.<br />
<br />
So what do all these reflections leave me thinking about the nature of romantic Love…stay tuned for the next posting…<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
.Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-56758580506013366312010-08-20T08:06:00.000-07:002010-08-20T08:08:59.084-07:00Do Liberals have any morals?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAQM9Kf84kTsLlTrT_BE32uwOs0rH3PdZditRKAbOwfk39QF-V0arhM_fh3LsK987zpdIYNBPRW8O0tSQ_-LxjOGx1j_OZZ03GijvuWNa77QoF0FhpCeaU31pdHO6WOx_GaD3MXXGCPo4/s1600/Warning__Morals_are_lower_than_they_appear-93qiue-s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAQM9Kf84kTsLlTrT_BE32uwOs0rH3PdZditRKAbOwfk39QF-V0arhM_fh3LsK987zpdIYNBPRW8O0tSQ_-LxjOGx1j_OZZ03GijvuWNa77QoF0FhpCeaU31pdHO6WOx_GaD3MXXGCPo4/s320/Warning__Morals_are_lower_than_they_appear-93qiue-s.jpg" /></a></div>One charge that conservatives will often level against liberals is that we don’t have morals. Many conservatives believe that anything goes for liberals. Liberals are often charged with being totally relativistic.<br />
<br />
While I don’t agree with that charge, I can understand where it comes from. At our worse, liberals are too nice, too careful not to offend and too anxious to include everyone. The reality of life means that we make choices and people get left out. I also believe that the word “non-judgmental.” is over used. Life is about making good healthy judgments and decisions and we should not be shy about it<br />
<br />
I also think we liberals have given up (or perhaps been robbed of) the moral high ground. Conservatives have been successfully able to paint themselves as “the real Americans.” (I have started working on a future posting about how we American have become totally polarized in our thinking, stay tuned.)<br />
<br />
If liberals are ever going to fight this, we have to be wiling to talk about morality and not be ashamed or allow ourselves to feel “less than” the conservatives.<br />
<br />
Here are a few places I recommend we start:<br />
<br />
• Strongly clear laws and punishments for rape and sexual assault.-This country is a mishmash of laws and enforce on rape and no one seems to get anger about this, it is time someone did!<br />
<br />
• Domestic violence- Still in 2010, in places all over America, domestic violence is viewed as a “family” issue and not prosecuted anywhere near as much as it should be. Liberals should be pushing for strong enforcement of laws that protect women and children especially. I am definitely of the school that because someone has given birth to or fathered a child, it doesn’t make them a parent.<br />
<br />
• Gay rights- LGBT people should have full and complete access to marriage and adoption of children. We have to stop settling of separate but equal and the state by state bullshit. It is wrong that adult Americans anywhere in this country can’t marry the person they love…period. Gay people are good parents to children study after study has shown, and it is not a social experiment!<br />
<br />
On the below two liberals should call conservative to the table and demand they acknowledge the problems, and then work together toward solutions.<br />
<br />
• A frank discussion on race and class in this country- The reality is that poor and working class people, and members ethnic and racial minorities are arrested for more crimes, go to prison more often and for long sentences than white wealthier people, but we are often afraid to ask why and what can be done. I think liberals have to force conservatives to address this issue. Conservatives have been very good at stirring up fear and hate by throwing out words like “quotas” and “entitlements.” I don’t have solutions but I want conservatives to acknowledge these statistical facts. I want to hear their “solutions.” Given that statistics show that in few short years more Americans will be non-white than white, this is an especially important discussion.<br />
<br />
• Every child in America is entitled (yes entitled!) to a good quality public education regardless of where they live, who their parents are and how much money their parents have. Inter-city Black and Hispanic kids should not have to sit in over-full classrooms with few resources because of where they live. Just like the above, I don’t have a solution, but I want conservatives to acknowledge the problem and if they have solutions propose them then HOLD them accountable to see if they work.<br />
<br />
I think the biggest problem is that liberals have allowed conservatives to set all the questions and liberals have only responded. It is time liberals asked some of the questions and demanded conservatives respond to them.Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-1093120793862271252010-08-17T12:50:00.000-07:002010-08-18T21:29:55.728-07:00Love, sex and too many channels and nothing’s on.…<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW2XhUpM1_nBYemoC-t67OzJShfua52Oixu5AYOsspQ7ddW3HOMTgs51O-rR38ICwWSmNJ9KMZEKGkUIL1lEiaVFzvZF3_WBnKttNlVKGI4NtMsLbp9M-gth5TkE-XS1fAeOrlgVvZ-xQ/s1600/Reliance+Big+TV+DTH+Service.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhW2XhUpM1_nBYemoC-t67OzJShfua52Oixu5AYOsspQ7ddW3HOMTgs51O-rR38ICwWSmNJ9KMZEKGkUIL1lEiaVFzvZF3_WBnKttNlVKGI4NtMsLbp9M-gth5TkE-XS1fAeOrlgVvZ-xQ/s320/Reliance+Big+TV+DTH+Service.PNG" /></a></div><br />
When I started this blog I said I wanted it to be about human relationships. I really meant that broadly, from family to friends to co-workers to lovers and to all those relationships we have that don’t easily fit into a category. However, if I am really honest, love and sex are the things that fascinate me the most about the human condition. I don’t think I am not alone.<br />
<br />
More and more I hear stories or simply know people who are in some kind of romantic partnership/relationship that isn’t exactly the fairy tale loving supportive totally monogamous cultural idea we have in our culture. <br />
<br />
There are all kinds of open relationships and polyamorous relationships and each with many different rules/versions. There are long term monogamous relationships. There are long term relationships that either were always sexless or became sexless. There are non-romantic life partners, people who share a life, become family to one another, but sex isn’t part of the equation. There are relationships where one partner has sex with other people and the other partner has no idea. There are relationships where one or both parties have sex outside the relationship and have an arrangement without ever saying a word. There are relationships that stay together for the security and stability (“stay together for the kids” or “I don’t want to be alone” or “I can’t disrupt the family”) even though the parties involved don’t love each other. I could go on and on. There are people who have stopping loving their partners, but can’t bear the thought of being alone or the loss of security so they stay together.<br />
<br />
I really work hard not let my prejudices and cultural baggage cause me to judge relationships that seem odd to me or that I would never be part because of my own personal likes and dislikes. I have always maintained that if people are open and honest with one another and no one is hurt, how people arrange their romantic life is no one’s business. Of course some of the configurations I describe above don’t involve being honest. That seems to present moral and ethical problems, and yet I have met people in these situations. Sometime their situations are just as dysfunctional and crazy as they seem to be and other times there are circumstances than make the morality much more complicated.<br />
<br />
One trend I see, and I am not sure if I view it as psychologically healthy or not, is people no longer assuming, looking for and even trying to be, with one person for a lifetime. Some have more than one life partner. Others have split the functions of a relationship over several people, one for sex, one for romance, one for friendship, etc. I heard someone referred to as a secondary partner the other day. I thought to myself, would being a secondary partner be satisfying? Some people say it perfect for them, they keep their independence and have someone they like and respect in their lives. But what is like to choose to be with someone for whom you are always number two?<br />
<br />
So, it is all the variation healthy? Are we as a society only beginning to explore the broad range of relationships and this is the beginning of that exploration? Or, thinking psychologically, have people just become more and more fragmented and healthy boundaries so rare that they have to spread their needs out over a broad range of people because the pain, the risk, the vulnerability of working on being more than one thing to another person is too much? Have people learned, in a rapidly changing world and sky high divorce rates that you can’t put all your eggs in one basket? Is it healthy to realize your partner can be all things or do we sell our relationship short by finding ways out rather than working hard on them? Do some people stay in unhealthy relationships far too long than they should?<br />
<br />
It seems to me people give up on each other easily this days. If the sex isn’t good, open the relationship, if the relationship isn’t good but the sex is, stop thinking of your partner as a support one and turn to someone else for emotional support.<br />
<br />
This isn’t primarily about sex for me, is about honestly, depth and intimacy, very hard tasks in any relationship. The health of a relationship isn’t based on the “sex rules” but good communication and an intimate connection. There are healthy monogamous relationships, healthy open ones and healthy polyamorous relationships and unhealthy versions of the each.<br />
<br />
Relationships obviously have ebbs and flows, so I don’t believe in perfect ones, have we become a culture with so many options that we forget that there are people attached to those options? Is in the relationship equivalent of “so many channels and nothing’s on TV?”<br />
<br />
The sad thing is people do too many things in relationship to stop the pain but not deal with hurt behind the pain. It is like putting Novocain on a big open wound, nothing gets better, but the pain goes away for awhile. <br />
<br />
I have no answers here only lots and of lots of more questions. Do people give up on each other too easily? Do people stay in unhealthy relationship too long? Do people turn to others to avoid turning to one another when relationship get tough?Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-14480728948169112472010-08-15T08:45:00.000-07:002010-08-15T09:51:17.126-07:00Dear Mother of God, my hair!Today’s posting is inspired by two facebook posting I saw today. I think these two are related, but for now (so I don’t spend all of this beautiful day in the house at the computer!) I am just writing about both of them, if anyone wants to comment on possible connections, I would love to hear it!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXCmf9phOl6kngmdVj8ssUIAwsxJezvkhDi1nvS5DBA9mCUunj1fxjoDXHmElZpHyZqTjVA-e9kfNJLZeWrEGOjXd1PJgEpOxcTm-z6v9xGMCW_C8ZuoUBVBDaGM5Y7xHa0fqfUYz_FWE/s1600/mohawk1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXCmf9phOl6kngmdVj8ssUIAwsxJezvkhDi1nvS5DBA9mCUunj1fxjoDXHmElZpHyZqTjVA-e9kfNJLZeWrEGOjXd1PJgEpOxcTm-z6v9xGMCW_C8ZuoUBVBDaGM5Y7xHa0fqfUYz_FWE/s320/mohawk1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
The first posting that inspired me today (re: pushed my buttons!) was a friend posting about her son having to cut off his mohawk so he could be serve as a altar boy. Someone else commented on her post “ …. learned a valuable lesson, a mohawk or serving at church. He made his decision and I applaud it.” I then posted “Jesus weeps- I hear tell that about two thousand years ago the follows of some radical teacher were these dirty unkempt fisherman and these women of questionable reputation that people didn't want to sit next to in the synagogue...how little things have changed. I thought church was about worshiping God and understanding the teachings of Jesus, not worrying if one is dressing appropriately so as not to offend someone else's sensibility of how people are supposed to look on the altar.”<br />
<br />
Apparently, if you want to be part of this church there are rules about your hair, and I am guessing your clothing. I can hear my father’s voice raging about the hypocrites in church and how church was just another place where people went to make judgments about others. I remember trying to convince my Dad that the spirituality the church should be leading us to was so much more than these things. While I hope that is true, Dad’s observation is also true. <br />
<br />
About ten years ago I used to wear an earring. During that time, I spent one summer working for the Episcopal Church in Panama. I was invited to preach one Sunday, but I was asked to first remove my earring. (That same church seemed VERY uncomfortable with asking the female students in our group to preach on the altar…I don’t think these are unrelated.) Somehow, my appearance, my self-expression has not compatible with preaching. Even though I never once talked about being gay with anyone in the church in Panama, one of the priests made in clear that the earring would push the “gay” button with some people in the congregation. They never once asked me what the message of my sermon was, but they were very concerned with how I would look to the congregation. It is just me, or were their priorities turned upside down?<br />
<br />
At churches, mosques, synagogues, Hindu temples and other places of worship around the globe people spend so much time looking at each other or what the people leading the worship look like that they forget they are there to look upward to the divine and inward into their own heart. Don’t get me wrong, I think people coming together reflect on divinity and explore the ways to healthy, morally upright relationships with the other people is a very good thing. However, being upset or judging how the others look or choose to present themselves in worship/meditation/reflection not only seems to miss the point, it actually seem to spoil the whole reason for coming together in the first place.<br />
<br />
I understand a little better why Dad stopped doing to church….<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhfGhyphenhyphenqN1yqNI4i71wqkL_OezU6w_-qqxf7rvjPCpq-V82eU3VzRTN6LsSF0vMH1d_3guVPMCFXTgjpnJ892L-DY85z6_bFeGNQMPtrXd4KiTNRZ1SUoLtjCapWQo4sNEKZKafSgAe-Bs/s1600/Athos_Theotokos.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhfGhyphenhyphenqN1yqNI4i71wqkL_OezU6w_-qqxf7rvjPCpq-V82eU3VzRTN6LsSF0vMH1d_3guVPMCFXTgjpnJ892L-DY85z6_bFeGNQMPtrXd4KiTNRZ1SUoLtjCapWQo4sNEKZKafSgAe-Bs/s320/Athos_Theotokos.jpg" /></a></div><br />
The second posting was by a former employee of mine reminding folks that for many Orthodox Christians today is the feast of Dormition of the Theotokos. I won’t explain the details of this feast in huge detail here, but feel free look it up; Wikipedia has an interesting summary, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dormition_of_the_Theotokos <br />
<br />
This feast is a different version of story Roman Catholics tell in the feast of the Assumption of Mary. It is about the death of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her relationship to the divine. I LOVE the way my friend put it on her facebook page, “Happy Theotokos day everyone! We are all called to be mothers of God for God is always needing to be born!” That statement both talks about the relationship of all woman (and I believe by extension all people) to God and also calls to mind the idea that these feasts are only references to one event several thousand years ago, but can windows, icons, pointing to a reflection on the nature of our ongoing relationship to God.<br />
<br />
In Catholic and Orthodox theology, Mary isn’t simply the human mother of Jesus, but she is referred to as “the Mother of God (Theotokos.)” This has historically has been at the annoyance of some more protestant Christians, who think seeing Mary as any other than the human mother of God is heresy. <br />
<br />
Yet the idea of “Mother of God” is very very ancient. The feminine in the nature of God was very common around the world and definitely in ancient Middle East and in Judaism. If you want to know more, check out Merlin Stone’s very important book When God Was a Woman or spend a few minutes on the internet and you find many more resources. http://www.amazon.com/When-God-Woman-Merlin-Stone/dp/015696158X<br />
<br />
For me, this is one interesting way of seeing something of the feminine in the understanding of God that exists within the Christian and Jewish traditions. Unfortunately, these concepts have been twisted by history and culture to convince women at their ONLY scared place is in the home as mothers. How limited, how sad! To me this is disrespectful to women and to the idea of motherhood. Fortunately, these concepts are so full and rich that we can look beyond (Above? Below? Underneath?) the sexism imbedded in such a limited interpretations.Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-37812363118775409332010-08-14T06:16:00.000-07:002010-08-27T09:03:05.494-07:00What's in a name?I have recently been in a variety of situations that have me thinking about titles and power and how people and organizations use them. <br />
<br />
Let me say, I have never been a fan formality for formality sake. I have always been Chris, not Christopher. Coming from very blue collar roots, I am almost instinctively distrustful of people who insist on being addressed by their titles. I like calling my doctor Kevin and generally find places of worship that address their worship leader by title (Mother, Father, Rabbi, Imam, etc.) are less warm and out forth a more disconnected sense in their community life than ones where the leader and the members of that community are on a first name basis. The role of leader is just that, a role, a function. The leader works for the community, but s/he is no better, no closer to the divine, than anyone else. Imagine the possible differences in the community life and in how people view and treat one another, in a church where the leader is interoduced as “Kevin who is our priest" vs. "This is Fr. O’Malley."<br />
I recently shopped at 2 different computer stores, an Apple store and one small local computer chain. The Apple store was filled with neat, but casually dressed, friendly helpful staff, the other had sales people in ties or dressed who looked and felt, to me as a consumer, as old fashioned, stiff and formal. I felt much more at ease and at home with Apple folks, who looked bright, comfortable and energetic. I am much more likely to return the Apple store to do my shopping in the future.<br />
<br />
While I am definitely someone who strongly values importance of good boundaries, I don’t believe good boundaries are about formality and titles. Good Boundaries are about appreciating individuality and creating realities where people’s best gifts come forward. When titles are very important, it is nearly always a situation where those with the most power have the “titles” and those with less power either don't have title or have smaller leser titles. In those organizations, the head of the organization is clearly “Miss. Johnson” or “Dr. Johnson” but the cleaning person always still just “Maria” <br />
<br />
Whenever I have been in situations that are rigid about titles, power seems to be very “top down.” In my estimation, there are essential differences between being too familiar, equality, authority and good/healthy boundaries. I find, more often than not, that any institution which relies heavily on titles (Dr./Dean/Rev./Canon) or the use of Ms./Mrs./Miss/Mr. is very hierarchical. Frankly, those organizations often have the terrible boundaries because they rely on rules over a real sense of the importance of each person’s role. In those organizations there are more secrets, more hidden agendas, more “system beating” behaviors rather than sincere engagement. People in these organizations spend too much time working around the rules and less time dealing directly with the issues at hand. There are more layers of division, more bureaucracy . "Lower" level workers are far less like to bring problems they see or solutions to problems they might wish propose to the table. There also tends to be less accountabilty to the powerful people in these organizations and more rigid rules for the not-so-powerful. These organizations often depend on these surface formalities to enforce rigid divisions, top down power dynamics and a false sense of good boundaries.<br />
<br />
A healthy community/business has good open communication lines and boundaries that are clear, with some flexibility, not because some external formality is enforced, but because everyone’s role and place in the organization/community is respected. Everyone is expected to perform their task because of its importance. Everyone in such a buiness/community acknowledges that trust and interdependence keep things running. Everyone keeps everyone else honest and on task. The rules in these places are important to provide structure and safety for all, but "enforcement" is less of an issue.<br />
<br />
I am not suggesting that every organization should be a complete democracy, no organization, could function that way. If everyone had an equal vote in every decision, it would chaos and nothing would get done. Organizations should function in ways foster people feeling a part of something larger that has importance and value and that everyone has an important voice. Solid leadership and good representation of all replaces rigid rules and highly structured rigid goverance.<br />
These are businesses where, for example, the CEO and the janitor are on a first name basis because each of them respects the vital role each one plays in the organization. The janitor wouldn’t expect the CEO to clean the toilets and CEO would not expect the janitor to close on a merger, however each would able to talk easily with one another. CEO could say s/he knows a better window cleaner for the bathroom mirror than the janitor is using and the janitor would feel free to bring her/his ideas about a weaknesses in the merger agreement s/he observed without either being viewed as “stepping on toes.” Janitor would know he has a voice and respect the fact that he does not have a vote in everything, but feels like a vital part of the organization. In another example, there are churches where the leader/minister/priest works with people in the congregation to develop worship styles that work for that community versus churches where the leader “educates” the people on the “right” way to worship. This doesn't discount the roles of poeple with specialize knowledge people doing what they do best in their area, but it means that the leader is not assumed or expected to do everything or make decisions in a vacuum.<br />
Those who are given more power in an organization should see that they are entrusted with using a certain amount of power by their community to do a certain job/function. Good leaders in an organization know and use what power and privilege they have been given to benefit of the larger whole, all the while acknowledging that they are temporary holding power for the community.<br />
<br />
In my experience, oftentimes, when organizations try to enforce very formal titles is it a signal and symptom that boundaries are poor and there is a real lack of interest in really addressing boundary issues. Such a place, unable to do the hard work of community building and setting boundaries, artificially becomes more rigid, more formal, and more rule-based as defense mechanism. People become more distant from one another; feel less attached to the organization and to one another and look for way “around” things rather than directly approaching things head on. In businesses like this, people work for a paycheck and have little investment in the organization as a whole.<br />
<br />
Community building is hard work; it requires sincere engagement, vulnerability, transparency and a willingness to view power and responsibility as shared concepts across all groups and individuals in an organization. Yes, everyone should know that certain people have the rights and responsibility to hold power and make certain hard decisions, but all should feel that we are responsible to one another. These are difficult lines to draw, but essential ones for a healthy organization. <br />
<br />
In my opinion, organizations that are seeking to grow and evolve should worry less about being too “familiar” or not formal enough and more about healthy boundaries and a sense of community where all people feel vital and important parts of one community. Different roles are maintained, not because of titles and rules, but out of respect for one another. <br />
<br />
Functional healthy organizations seek consistency and look for ways to foster mutual respect. In those organizations too many rigid rules and formality get in the way. In such organizations people come to appreciate their roles and do their best work because they believe in the organization, but because of a title or a dogged adherence to a rule book.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
.Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-35355681046486557112010-08-13T05:34:00.000-07:002010-08-13T05:34:46.652-07:00Cheating- sin, character flaw or behavior?..and a prayer from New ZealandRecently one of my facebook friends posted some pretty harsh stuff about people who cheat. He later acknowledged that he wasn’t just posting about cheating, but was venting. I imagine he had been cheated on, probably recently, and was in a lot of pain, and it got me thinking. <br />
Cheating, as I think about it is the violation of the rules of a relationship, breaking a commitment and an agreement to someone you care about. It isn’t necessarily about having sex outside a relationship, because for some people that is not a violation of their agreement.<br />
<br />
Spiritually, cheating is morally wrong because it is the violation of a relationship. By my theology, (with a nod to Carter Heyward, one of my mentors) one way understand “God” is as the force of the love in a relationship. God is the healthy, holy way we connect to other people, family, friends, lovers, etc. so anything that hurts or breaks that relationship is “sin.” So if two people have negotiated the rules of their relationship in good faith, the act of cheating means someone has violated that trust. While I believe couples always have talk about the rules and boundaries of their relationship, we all know that relationships are constantly being renegotiated and evolving, so “rules” sometimes change.<br />
<br />
I am not sure whether it is because of having been a therapist or simply being middle aged and having a bit more life experience, but I have come to know that cheating is a bit more complex than right or wrong, sin or evil. While the act of cheating is morally reprehensible, like many things in life, it is a bad thing that good people sometimes do to one another.<br />
<br />
About ten years ago man I was seeing cheated on me. He confessed to it immediately, took responsibility, but that didn’t make it easier. Up to that point in my life, it was the worse thing that ever had happened to me. I was devastated. The relationship lasted a little longer after that, but it was clearly the beginning of the end.<br />
<br />
I have met all kinds of people who have “cheated” on partners in my life. Some of them very close to my heart. I don’t believe that cheating is ever right, but have come to understand that this particular wrong happens for a lot of reasons. While I absolutely think that cheaters must own up and take responsibility for their actions, I don’t think every relationship that experiences infidelity must automatically end. I also don’t think that cheating always points to a deep character flaw or an evil nature in the cheater. <br />
<br />
I think of cheating as akin to the Christian idea of sin and/or the psychological concept of destructive behavior. Sure there are sociopathic people without consciences that are constantly destructive to those around them. While a "cheater" may be a sociopath, the fact that someone cheats doesn’t mean he or she is a sociopath.<br />
<br />
Think of it like killing someone. Killing someone is wrong, ending a life that isn't your own is wrong, but it isn’t simple. Some people kill to defend themselves, others to defend someone else, others out of spite or jealous, and others for the perverse joy of killing. Are all of these people the same? <br />
<br />
Cheating is an act that hurts multiple people, but there are many things we do in life that are destructive to others. A large part of life is learning to understand and deal with the hurts we experience from others in our lives. To quote the New Zealand prayer book “In the hurts we absorb from one another, forgive us.”<br />
<br />
From psychology we know that people in relationship with one another always disappoint one another at some point. Parents always make errors with children, partners let each down at some point in the relationship, people are not always as good friends to each other as they should be. The key in relationships is to have a strong enough, honest enough, relationship most of the time to absorb and deal the pain that is part of the nature of human relationships.<br />
<br />
From a spiritual perspective, sins can be forgiven if someone asks and takes responsibility for their sins. Psychologically, cheating is a behavior that doesn’t mean anything in and of itself; but has individual meaning that depends on the person and the situation.<br />
<br />
I guess like many things in life, the more you look at a thing, the nuances it has….<br />
<br />
Speaking of the New Zealand prayer book, that prayer, a version of what is commonly called “the Lord’s Prayer” is one of the most beautiful one I have ever read and it is very much a part of my spiritual life, here is it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Eternal Spirit,</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Earth-maker, Pain-bearer, Life-giver,</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Source of all that is and that shall be,</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Father and Mother of us all,</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Loving God, in whom is heaven:</span></em><br />
<br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">The hallowing of your name echo through the universe!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">The way of your justice be followed by the peoples of the world!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Your heavenly will be done by all created beings!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">Your commonwealth of peace and freedom</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">sustain our hope and come on earth.</span></em><br />
<br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">With the bread we need for today, feed us.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">In the hurts we absorb from one another, forgive us.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">In times of temptation and testing, strengthen us.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">From trials too great to endure, spare us.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">From the grip of all that is evil, free us.</span></em><br />
<br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">For you reign in the glory of the power that is love,</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #38761d;">now and for ever. Amen.</span></em>Chris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2296095023093591697.post-6791590155531244002010-08-12T13:12:00.000-07:002010-08-12T13:12:04.007-07:00...so it begins...I have been thinking about blogging for a long time. I have had this title, spirit and flesh, in mind for a very long time as well. To anyone who knows me, this should be no surprise. I have been a passionate student of these topics for a long time. I am absolutely fascinated by the ways human being relate to one another in relationships with themselves and each other (flesh) and the way we relate to the divine (spirit.) I am absolutely convinced that these two are locked in a dance that says everything about what it means to be a human being.<br />
<br />
I guess have enough self esteem (and maybe a little hubris?) to believe my education and my life experience might be interesting reading in the blogosphere. I have some knowledge and experience that I hope will be interesting and useful to others. My father often work long night at a textile mills where he monitored heavy equipment and sometimes had long stretches of time alone, which I actual believe he enjoyed. He used to poetry and long essays on all kinds of topics. He was especially interested how people looked the roles of woman, historically, psychologically and sociologically. I would like to think my father would be thrilled I am doing this.<br />
<br />
I guess before I start spouting my so-called wisdom (Some days it will wisdom, but know other days it may be random disconnected thoughts) I should say I little about me, the writer.<br />
<br />
I am a 44 year old gay white man of Portuguese ancestry with Irish and Caribbean sprinkled around the edges. I come from a very working class background in Southeastern MA. I am a second generation American on my father's side and a first generation American on my mother's side. I am politically and proudly on the very left end of the spectrum. I love hiking, good movies (especially independents, foreign films and off the wall documentaries), novels that take you to new and interesting places and trying new foods. My friends and family mean everything to me and I don't draw a sharp line on who is family and who are friends. I am one of two children raised in family with a mother and father who were happily married 48 years until my father's death. I currently work at a very proudly left of center Christian seminary and I beginning to explore starting a private psychotherapy practice (I have many years of agency experience.) <br />
<br />
Spiritually, I was raised Roman Catholic and now think of myself as a spiritual freelancer who has significant ties to Buddhism and Christianity. I blend Christianity and Buddhism and ways I am finding increasing common. I also find much wisdom and a deep sense of spirituality in earth-based native and pagan traditions, and would like to know more about them.<br />
<br />
I love learning as much as possible about the multiple ways human beings explore their spiritual sides, from organized religion, to philosophy to other "freelancers." I practice yoga and meditation (not nearly as regularly as I wish I did) and I attend church services occasionally. I also welcome the chance explore new and different forms of spirituality all the time. As I get older I am more and disheartened, disappointed, angry and skeptical about all organized religion, another thing I share with my late father.<br />
<br />
My interest in human relationships branches in three directions:<br />
<br />
1.) Professional/Academic: This is rooted in my training as a psychotherapist and my education. I have a very long interest in psychology, especially in its psychodynamic/psychoanalytic forms. I am especially interested in newer forms of these theories that bring in critiques based on class, culture, gender and human sexuality to create something new take the best from the past and helping it evolve far beyond its roots. I think of psychotherapy as wonderful lens to help understand the human condition and the meaning of meaning, but it is only one tool and like any tool can be powerfully misused. I also found the psychological concept of boundaries one that is endlessly fascinating.<br />
<br />
2.) Personal/Relational: As a gay man, and a member of a marginalized sexual minority in this culture, I have personally found I have had to explore and examine my sexuality in ways that the so-called majority heterosexual culture has not had too, necessarily. Yet, since I believe all human sexuality<span style="background-color: yellow;"> is </span>HUMAN sexuality I think much of what I have learned (and am learning) about myself says a lot about being a sexual human being and isn't limited to being gay or being a biological male.<br />
<br />
3.) Political/Cultural: I am fascinated by the ways we as human beings discriminate, legislate, theologize and otherwise marginalize one another based on spirituality sexuality and gender. What makes one belief a religion and another a cult? Can church and state be separated and should they always? How have different religions gone from being at the margins of society to being at the center? How did they change when they did? What spiritual belief or practices are viewed as valid and others as either strange or dangerous? Why are men and women treated so differently by religions faiths, countries and cultures? What are the punishment for backing the rules of gender or in some cases the laws around how gender can be expressed? What is male and what is female? Why are some sexual behaviors taboo and others considered "normal?" How have marriage laws and norms operated in different cultures and subcultures? How have these rules operated in the past, how do they operate now and how might they change in the future?<br />
<br />
Well, if any of these topic interest you I hope you will follow along, to quote Bette Davis in All About Eve "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night." <br />
<br />
Hugs,<br />
ChrisChris Mhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697381542132065448noreply@blogger.com0